14.7.17

I'm a drunk, but I am a lovable drunk

There was a point in my life, a long time ago, when people asked me "how do you find the strength to work so hard?" and "what drives you?", I answered with "love".

 I love my job, I love my art, and I will do anything and everything for it. I think you should too, find something that is so amazing for you that you will lose countless sleeps chasing your dream.

There was also a tiny voice inside me that screams "nope, you just want to be a dignified asshole"

I am way pass that now. I no longer struggles in "finding myself", as they say. I don't feel like I don't belong anymore, I know I don't. Why even try, why even feel, let's just take a shot and in this drunken moment we can all pretend to love each other and it's good enough for me.

I used to complain that when I dance, friends tell me to go back to play the piano, you are not one of us. I work in fashion, and they tell me I am just a hood rat from a shitty ass background that is not worthy. Crazy enough to be locked up, but not crazy enough to be kept longer than a month, and safe to release back to society but still not equipped to function, corrupted under the most minor thing in realm of human society. That kind of thing.

I had big dreams and I got laugh at all the time,

Now I'm here and I have proven to be able to achieve everything I say, I get a free pass at life.

Show up high as fuck to a meeting? that's fine, we know you can do it later, you are a natural. Show up with bleeding cuts at a photoshoot? we know you are a true hero, a fucking inspiration so don't worry it brings you personality. Acting out, puking, disappear for days at a time? Come back with a brand new book and we will let it slide. Fucked up? Made a tshirt that said "time to fuck up" and sell it well. sad sells.

Everything destructive, doesn't matter anymore, because I have been classified into the "insane artist" category, and now killing myself slowly is being viewed as a necessity, as long as nobody have to take care of the aftermath.

Yeah I love my art. But I can't lie, one of the big reason I do it it's because I want to do drugs and if I don't tell you my drugs is necessary to my art which benefits you greatly, are you sure you are open to hear me talk about it?

I am so fun, I am so strong, bla bla bla. I can't be bothered. I just want to get wasted, that's all I want.

Now is my chance to laugh at all of you, for telling me this life I am living in just because I have not succeeded in killing myself yet, is beautiful and aesthetic.

It is truly an art to strike for that perfect balance between psycho crazy ass bitch and regular person me. I do drugs not because I am sad, and I am sad not because I do drugs. Can not let anyone blame my precious pills for my problem, no no, they are my savior.

The thing that contributes the most to my leeway of everything is that I am alone. Nobody got to deal with my hangover, nobody has to see me slide myself open. Yes, you see it, and you want to help, but you can't, so what can you do right? Right. Don't worry I am the fun one I am not your regular miserable mentally ill person.

Schizophrenia? Eating disorder? Victim of abuse? Everything is true, but I won't lie it makes people understand and make excuses for my bad bad bad decisions, and I am fucking happy because of it.

I am abusing the shit out of things that used to abuse me, and revenge is so, so sweet.

How did I get to where I am? A junkie got to do what junkie got to do.

4 comments:

  1. Very beautiful pictures! ;) love your blog, very good inspiration ♡ bridesmaid dresses 2017

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  2. GG,whatever you are searching for, you wont find it with drugs (trust me i've tried that tactic as well). But the thing is,the universe isnt fucked. Life isnt hell,people are.Ingorant and terrible people who just keep winning. I love you. Please dont hurt. No one deserves to hurt.

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  3. You are absolutely beautiful. You have no idea.

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  4. I need you to make it. I really need you to survive.Please.

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