4.3.17

iIneed to to this publicly now, because i will need to sooner or later and i rather do it now when i am still so numb and i can't feel shits.

So I left my husband. I just packed up my things and leave

We were so fucking in love. We were always the "perfect couple". We meet, love, and get married within 7 days. We were the talk of the town for our perfect love. We were so so so so fucking happy. He made me believe everything was right, that I truly do deserve love. I wrote a book about our love that saves me. I am no longer alone. I love our little family with our five cats. It was us against the world, nothing have ever gone wrong. Everyone around,my friends who was so stoked, the media, so many newspaper interview praising and admiring us so much,my social media followers aspired to be us...

But still, all things aside, all beyond life and reasons,  I just know, for me, that was it. He was my last chance. I was thinking "Fuck, if i can't get better with something this good, I never will". He was my life support, my medications, keeping me alive and sane and I just want to be the best of the best of the best for him. So much hopes, so much dreams, I can't even handle it all. He was "it". I have found "it". The reason for me to and for everything.

I felt alive, for the first time since forever

And yet, 
exactly a year later, today, exactly on our one year wedding anniversary, I found out he is spending it with another girl in his arm.

I am not even fucking sad or fucking mad, while i know i should be. I am just empty. I just don't know how to fucking feel. He changed me forever with our love, our one true love, and now i am nothing again. I sold my house, moved to another city, said good bye to my friends, given everything up because he wants to stay away from my town to learn and to grow, and i have never regretted once. Little did I know, he was talking to someone else, he was telling her he wants her to stay at our home. She said she would love to take care of my cats. He said she is so pretty with short hair, he likes her so much. He like her height, so small and cute. He wants her to send him some more late night selfies.

I couldn't believe it. This must be wrong: These messages; may be it was someone else used his phone. May be it was a prank. May be i am having a psychosis episode and everything is just crazy in my head. This is US. We are fucking in love. right??? right??? My one true love, my destiny. My husband. My everything.

But no. That's it.
True love does exists, just make sure that he loves you back. He might just be a fucking good actor.
So i am now wandering on the street again. Homeless. I have given up everything for him, and he has given me up. I have nothing.
Please don't talk about us anymore, us doesn't exist anymore. I don't exist anymore

Sorry i didn't stay to say good bye. I know if you even slightly start to apologize, I will take you back in my arms in a second, and I can't never leave. I can't do it.

I hope you love her like i love you. I hope she melts when she look into your hazel brown eye under the sun. I hope you hold her tight, life her up and tell her it's going to be alright, like I always loved you to do. Please kiss her before you going out, like we did this morning for the last time. Please make her your last. I hope you made her the same promises you made me and you keep it. Please take care of our babies cat. 

10 comments:

  1. I am so sorry this happened to you and I hope things get better soon for you <3

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  2. hello, my name is Julia and i from Russia. in our social medias all people care about you and hope you well. i love you a lot and wish you'll stay strong ♡ cheer up baby we love you!

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