4.3.17

I have always been alright on my own. Yes drug addiction, yes alcoholism,yes eating disorder, yes everything horrible and terrible, yes to all kind of depression and anxiety medication that i always abused the fuck out of.

I always get to sometimes in my life when I almost died naked face down in the toilet choked while trying to puke out a piece of pizza and I always get myself up the day after.

I have lost everything so many times, money, friends and myself

I was always alright though. I am strong. I want to die, but not yet, there is always this tiny string of something that I said once I am done, I am done, but I always care for something else right after, and like that, I live days through days. I don’t want anything in life, I am just here because I am.

Until I met you. 

I know everyone said don’t fall too hard for love. But they don’t know us. We were one. I’m always the one who think and not feel, I always know who I am and what I need to do. Until you. I dissolve myself into you, so happily.

I still do the same thing, but it is now because I want you to smile. I still work hard, but it was for making our family comfortable.I still fight every day, because you are now my medications, you are the reason I’m alive.

But too bad, you gave me sugar pills. All i get was placebo.

I was so happy so fucking happy so fucking happy. I used to write that I don’t know when was the last time I feel happy. Then I wrote a book about how our love has saved me forever.

I keep asking you all the time, all day everyday, “do you love me”. You often get annoyed. “yes, i know i asked 5 minutes ago but things changed and 5 minutes later you might not love me anymore”

I know I am a handful. I know it’s so hard for you too, finding your wife losing teeth and passing out from meth. Hearing me cry every day. But you was always there holding my bleeding arms and I know pain is just pain, I have your love, I will be fine.

I don’t know why I am still breathing. May be I am as tired for my love of death as you are tired of loving me. I shall live until I am not anymore, remember the day I lost everything again, but not just everything, you, my one true everything.

When did your love for me stop?

I wish I knew. I wish when I asked you every 5 minutes if you still love me, you actually said "I used to, but I don't anymore"

I would have been easier. If you were happy with someone else, I will be happy too, I will be taking off, watching you from far far away and keep on living.

But now I just keep on wondering if anything of it was real at all.

I am delusive. I woke you up in the middle of the night with a psychosis episode, screaming that there are rats everywhere. You were my truth. You tell me what is real and what isn't. You tell me our love is real.

Now I am gone. What am I going to do now? I get so used to wake up screaming in the middle of the night from night terrors, you were right there. What if you weren't? What if everything is always still "in my own head"

This is not even me with my usual crazies. This is something so new, so foreign, so far away. Like you. 


8 comments:

  1. I know that it's hard and that I don't know the whole story... but just remember, if you wake up in the middle of the night don't forget about this comment. So many people love you and I'm one of them. Even if I'm just a single number in your instagram followers or whatever. I want to be there for you. You can imagine anybody, me or someone you have heard about and just stay alive. Stay here. For me. For you. For revenge or love or even both. Just don't ever think that you are not whole. You don't need anyone. You are strong. I hope you will read this and remember.

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