12.9.16

On feeling 0 - 100

My feelings always try to balance itself out, and it always succeeded. Like most of the stories I keep hearing from time to time: it always a bad time, not a bad life - things always get better - it is not the worst - bla bla bla, i am convinced most people who try to convince me that feelings are not extreme, that i am always overreacting, never truly get how it feels like to feel at all.

Sure, it's true, you got some down days and it will be up sometimes sooner or later. But you are talking about the weather, the environment, i am talking about the storm building up inside of me, forecasted to be the worse, the worst, and sometimes it is oh so true, but sometimes it just gone south and vanished into thin air.

I am talking about times in life when I am so bad nothing feels good, even things that I know its good. I am talking about times in life when I am so good, even things that is bad worse worst feels like a comforting drizzle rain of fall when I am inside cozy up in my safe warm fluffy blanket.

Nothing matters except for the way I feel. This, they said it sounds fucking selfish. But no no no, hell fucking no, how I feel is not who I am, my feelings are here and they are screaming for attention, they said "me me me" all the fucking time and they are so loud in my head I can't make them go away.

There used to be a time when I have a month of good and a month of bad. A month of 0 and a month of 100. Then there was a time when it used to be a week. Now, it counts by day and I feel like I am counting me down with hours.

A minute ago I was laughing hysterically at anything at all, the next moment I am sobbing at nothing at all.

Feeling kills. You don't get it, they never will.

They say I wear my heart on my sleeve, but the truth is my heart is wearing me out. Always the anxiety, oh what it's gonna be what it's gonna be. I never know, I will never do, only thing I reckon is that I can't run, I can't just try, I can't play hide and seek with my feelings.

Yeah it will be better, sometimes it will be worst. It is not that it is getting better or it is getting worse that bothers me, it no longer do, I do understand now, my feelings always try to balance itself out. It's the speed, it's the unpredictability that enables me in a forever raging mode, I can't function anymore because I can't, because I'm fucking selfish and only care about my feeling.

Eating is hard, sleeping is harder, breathing is the fucking hardest.

Life is may be getting better, I am surely getting worst.

3 comments:

  1. I love the way that you write. And I'm sorry for what you're going through. The truth is I don't understand, I won't understand because you're you and I'm me. However you sound like a man without skin, only I'm not sure that the stimulus is external. I mean the song "man without skin" by the band "boy hits car". I don't know if you'll like that song, if you will relate to it, if it will help you. I don't know truly who you are or what you're going through. All I see is reflections and what you articulate, what you present. However the song helped me understand my self, relate to myself and to cope. Maybe it will help you, it's only a few minutes, it might be worth a shot ♡
    http://youtu.be/lkMWkGnjhSI

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  2. I know what you mean and have been thru the same. I've had it since I was a kid, and have went thru really bad and destructive times. I'm 25 now and it's only now that I went into therapy and the doctor prescribed me prozac. It helped calm the storms and I can now think of things more calmly. Take heed as if you are bipolar, you should be given a different med. Anyhow, there is light to the eternal darkness and turmoil; medication isn't the answer but I'm super busy right now (I'm an artist from manila) I can't afford to have feelings (mostly of doom and gloom that tend to paralyse me for days, plus the anxiety attacks). A good diet and a good exercise routine also helps.

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  3. There is only one thing that I can say - eventually, you are the only one to decide what life to live. There is something very addictive in being low; this state is like drugs, it makes you to feel better by suffering. It's something that is very common to artist, and I'm, as an artist, can totally understand and relate to you. However, I also understand that it's all a matter of choice.

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