18.8.16

on feeling absolutely nothing

Feeling all too much at the same time, we talk about it way too often, but rarely about the other sign of the coin, about feeling absolutely fucking nothing.

I don't know about you, but I find being empty way harder to handle. Every body can understand being a little crazy, going so passionate about things for a period, falling in love oh so often, because it is similar to growing up. We all have that time of life when everything just needs , needs, needs to spin around how we feel, because that's how we connect with life, with our own true self, and it is the first step to being alive to some.

But, what goes up must comes down, and newspaper and television might tell you what medication is good for that mid life crisis, where are the therapists that might, just might makes you feel like life is worth living again, but but but we are seriously lack of infos on how to deal with lack of love at teens, at 20s, at sometimes a little older.
Why? because “it's just all in your head!! you are 21, you just need to go our and enjoy life!!”
May be it's because i tried to deny my feelings, may be it's because others tried to deny my denial of feelings.
Me, I feel fake. So fake at that time. Laying in bed and remembering vividly how I used to love, still can feel that warmth somewhere, remembering how sun used to lay in someone's special eyes and made in a delicious butterscotch colour, yet at the same time being stiffer than a mother fucking dead bodies.

I want to pick up my old camera and rolling around in dirt, finding that perfect angle. I want to dance all night long with 80s music blasting, heart beating so fast it might just stop any moment. I want to smile, may be, just a simple muscle-moving-technique that I have practiced way too hard in this 20 years of living, but i just can't. I'm just as stiff as a mother fucking dead bodies.

Everything slips, slipping, slipped away. I'm no longer me, I am now a shadow of what I used to be. Same shape, yes, but the colours are gone. I no longer hear people told me to quite down, i'm talking too loud. I no longer here my loves yell "be careful, don't run, look at both side before you cross the street, wait for the traffic light". I miss my own laughter.

"She peaked". "Oh poor thing". "She used to be something", doesn't hurt me at all. I can't feel my face, my brain is fogged, my heart has been drained, so why should it hurts?

I remember the day my niece, my little baby girl, the little angel I care about so much, little tiny bright spot in this very dark world, offer me a piece of candy that she got from her teacher because she did well with her tests. I want to smile, I want to use that simple-muscle-moving-technique that I have practiced way too hard in 20 years of living to treasure that little tiny precious moment, to at least give back the minor inconvenient of manor of thankful, but I can't. I fucking can't. A child I love give me a piece of candy, I can't fucking smile. Can't fucking feel my face. Simple as that, pieces of me starts to fall out somewhere, splattered in a black hole may be, and I want to cry, but ofcourse I can't.

A man I used to love, used to be so angry at me because "I am no longer the one he fell for". I told him I just no longer want to live. He said but at least try god fucking damn it. I never told him I did tried, my face just didn't show.

My sister, came home from a long day of work, with all of her worries, clueless to do anything else but to yell: "You are still at the same spot with when I left you this morning! Why? Why? Why???".
I never told her I went to hell and back.

Hahaha. Typing that, not showing that.

Days and days and days laying in bed watching movies. Drinking. Getting high. Eat, and eat , and eat. Constantly need to comfort myself. Other's feelings are no longer matter. Yeah i'm mother fucking selfish. I'm in pain, i'm in pain, do you understand? I'm in pain but I can't feel it, but it's there, and it's sitting on my chest like an invisible demons, and if for just a second I acknowledge it it will be over, I will be taken, so please just let me be, get lost in my own world, forgetting about this particularly very dark world, so I can hang on just a moment longer.

I never stop trying, but it's so dark, i'm afraid if the lights come on now I will be blind forever.
I want you to give up on me but I also don't
Everything is a paradox, an endless circle, and tomorrow morning the sun will rise but I may not
Everything is temporary
But why does this pain feel like it's never going to end?
But why haven't you leave yet.

Love,
from yours truly
even if I might not feel it.

2 comments:

  1. I feel you. But you might won't believe me. I've been in the dark for not a very long time, but it's like a black hole and took everything I used to love used to feel and used to be. Sucking all those things that makes me feel alive-the feelings. I used to be a naughty kid that was willing to try everything, reckless, curious about everything, maybe a bit crazy,but I felt alive. Talked a lot, laughed a lot. But some how those things are all sucked away. I cried and felt so in pain and tried to reach out for help,I was afraid. It never gets better, just never. I was just falling endlessly in the dark deeper and deeper. Can't take positivity,can't hope cause I don't know what to hope for,can't be interested in anything, can't smile and has no motivation to do anything, can't love.I became disconnected to all those things I used to have used to be, I am disconnected to life. I have less than five friends and none of them understands me. They were worried at first, but after awhile they became sick and tired of my darkness. I am sick of my shit too. I deleted all my social media cause I think the world is fake, but I am also fake. My therapist said to me that she can only help someone that wants to be helped, cause I just simply don't talk. I wanted to be helped but I just don't know how to connect with ppl anymore. Don't know how to describe my feelings cuz I don't have any. That was then, now I'm not even sure if I wanted to be helped. Cuz I am used to the dark now I don't know how or if I should get out. It became me, and I can't runaway from myself. I don't take pictures anymore and I don't look inside the mirror. I just want to ignore everything, ignore me even existing.I'm just a ghost in my memories. I never know why or how I became like this, tried way too hard to find a reason but can't. I have no clue. I never realized me being like this until ppl around me started asking me what happened? Then I started realize I've changed dramatically. But I'm clueless. Maybe everything just becomes like this through a process of random coincidences matching and it just happened without a reason. I was afraid of ppl I hated ppl and now I just simply don't care. Ignoring everything,not trying to get better but trying to escape from everything,from the world from myself. Maybe one day it would be back to normal,but it would sure ruin a big part of who I am and though ppl say time heals, but what if I got nothing to be healed? I read a book once and it says: a dark person would have dark dreams, but a darker person don't dream at all. I'm like that, empty,hollow like a blank space. I don't know about you, but I just kinda understands what you are talking about, I am sorry that I can't say anything to make you feel better cause I really don't know better.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great photos as always! (:

    www.caterina-m.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete