18.8.16

on feeling absolutely nothing

Feeling all too much at the same time, we talk about it way too often, but rarely about the other sign of the coin, about feeling absolutely fucking nothing.

I don't know about you, but I find being empty way harder to handle. Every body can understand being a little crazy, going so passionate about things for a period, falling in love oh so often, because it is similar to growing up. We all have that time of life when everything just needs , needs, needs to spin around how we feel, because that's how we connect with life, with our own true self, and it is the first step to being alive to some.

But, what goes up must comes down, and newspaper and television might tell you what medication is good for that mid life crisis, where are the therapists that might, just might makes you feel like life is worth living again, but but but we are seriously lack of infos on how to deal with lack of love at teens, at 20s, at sometimes a little older.

Me, I feel fake. So fake at that time. Laying in bed and remembering vividly how I used to love, still can feel that warmth somewhere, remembering how sun used to lay in someone's special eyes and made in a delicious butterscotch colour, yet at the same time being stiffer than a mother fucking dead bodies.

I want to pick up my old camera and rolling around in dirt, finding that perfect angle. I want to dance all night long with 80s music blasting, heart beating so fast it might just stop any moment. I want to smile, may be, just a simple muscle-moving-technique that I have practiced way too hard in this 20 years of living, but i just can't. I'm just as stiff as a mother fucking dead bodies.

Everything slips, slipping, slipped away. I'm no longer me, I am now a shadow of what I used to be. Same shape, yes, but the colours are gone. I no longer hear people told me to quite down, i'm talking too loud. I no longer here my loves yell "be careful, don't run, look at both side before you cross the street, wait for the traffic light". I miss my own laughter.

"She peaked". "Oh poor thing". "She used to be something", doesn't hurt me at all. I can't feel my face, my brain is fogged, my heart has been drained, so why should it hurts?

I remember the day my niece, my little baby girl, the little angel I care about so much, little tiny bright spot in this very dark world, offer me a piece of candy that she got from her teacher because she did well with her tests. I want to smile, I want to use that simple-muscle-moving-technique that I have practiced way too hard in 20 years of living to treasure that little tiny precious moment, to at least give back the minor inconvenient of manor of thankful, but I can't. I fucking can't. A child I love give me a piece of candy, I can't fucking smile. Can't fucking feel my face. Simple as that, pieces of me starts to fall out somewhere, splattered in a black hole may be, and I want to cry, but ofcourse I can't.

A man I used to love, used to be so angry at me because "I am no longer the one he fell for". I told him I just no longer want to live. He said but at least try god fucking damn it. I never told him I did tried, my face just didn't show.

My sister, came home from a long day of work, with all of her worries, clueless to do anything else but to yell: "You are still at the same spot with when I left you this morning! Why? Why? Why???".
I never told her I went to hell and back.

Hahaha. Typing that, not showing that.

Days and days and days laying in bed watching movies. Drinking. Getting high. Eat, and eat , and eat. Constantly need to comfort myself. Other's feelings are no longer matter. Yeah i'm mother fucking selfish. I'm in pain, i'm in pain, do you understand? I'm in pain but I can't feel it, but it's there, and it's sitting on my chest like an invisible demons, and if for just a second I acknowledge it it will be over, I will be taken, so please just let me be, get lost in my own world, forgetting about this particularly very dark world, so I can hang on just a moment longer.

I never stop trying, but it's so dark, i'm afraid if the lights come on now I will be blind forever.
I want you to give up on me but I also don't
Everything is a paradox, an endless circle, and tomorrow morning the sun will rise but I may not
Everything is temporary
But why does this pain feel like it's never going to end?
But why haven't you leave yet.

Love,
from yours truly
even if I might not feel it.

4 comments:

  1. And here I sit. 3:00 AM and I can't sleep from the same pain that you describe. I'm Vietnamese too. But I was born in the Netherlands. Even if this is my home, I never experienced it as home. And if I did, it never lasted long enough. I feel your pain, your hysteria and your emptiness. I know everything. Being so deprived of someone who is supposed to be there for you. Just one single loving person to hold you and comfort you and tell you that you're going to be okay. Even now, after almost ten years, the pain and the hurt still haunt me and drive me to the edge. And here on the edge, I'm reading your stories. I'm looking down, but I'm also looking up. At least there's someone somewhere on this world who might understand me and who I might understand. I hope my words reach you and that I won't be talking to myself again.

    I wish you the best of luck and I wish you strength and happiness. And I'm very happy that you found someone who stays beside you.

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