Leaving Germany, finished my dance tour, on my train alone to Milan, i feel like I finally can breath. Hell yeah, all alone again, what ever right, really what fucking ever. I'm not getting any happier, but for sure, life was so much easier. Nobody around for me to disappoint anymore.
I was wrong, i was so wrong. You are not around people, doesn't mean you can't disappoint them.
One hell of a long story, but when I was in Germany, I somehow, took my husband's passport with me from Vietnam. i was supposed to go on my Germany dance tour, Milan, Paris, and then meet him in Moscow. I made one stupid mistake of taking the same handbag i wore on our wedding day, with his passport inside, to Germany...
I figured it out early, and i tried to send it back via mail, but then it gone missing somewhere in Germany. I was moving different cities every night, performing in a different theater everyday, having panic attacks in between, and tried to track down a tiny book all the time. Without the passport being sent back to Vietnam, my husband can not fly to Russia, can't meet me or his families who he hasn't seen in years, miss out on his brother's wedding ( which is why we decided to go to Russia in the first place ), and it's all my fault. Every day i tried, i tried, i tried, but every time he called me online, all i can say is i don't know, i don't know, i don't know what to do, but i did my best, please understand. Honestly, I have been in some deep shit before, but this time was the worst. It was the worst because it involves everyone. I was supposed to have work in Russia with Lena my best friend, my husband needs to be there for his family, I need to shoot photos for my best friend's brand in Moscow which he put so much money into.. long story short, just because of one stupid mistake, i ruined it for everyone
I went to Milan, Paris, eating risotto and visiting the Eiffel tower, all i can see everywhere is the mother fucking missing passport
I know it sounds ridiculous now as I am telling the story, but as that point of time, I honestly just want to run away and die. Not a single funny bit was found, I was just worried, horrified, and hating myself all the time.
At the same time, so many things happened back home. My best friend has relationship issue, another one was running away from home, and all they tell me is "please come back, please comeback", and I either spend my time crying, or telling my friends "please don't cry".
But also, in deep shit, I have learned something else. Sometimes, when there is nothing left to do, you need to give up. You have to let go. That's when the miracle happen
Something amazing happen, It wasn't an easy solution, but it was a way out, and i did it. The passport somehow showed up in Germany when I was in Paris. And my new friends, my amazing new people Anna, Yan, and Emily ( thank you all so much, if you are reading this ), took me back to Germany border from France. From there, I took a bus to Dusseldorf, a city where the passport was, and then a train to Frankfurt, sent the passport back to Vietnam, and then fly to fucking Moscow, and then took a train to St Petersburg. Me, 6 cities, 3 countries, in 24 hours, 500 Euros, to fix 1 stupid fucking mistake, but I did it. I was running, my faux fur jacket splits in half, luggage wheels broken, contact lenses falling out when I don't even know, but I did it. The moment I meet my husband in Moscow, it was all worth it.
Sometimes I just need to do my best, and then let go, right? I need to learn how to calm the fuck down
Russia, as always, was amazing. Actually, everything is always amazing, i learned that too, life is still wonderful even if I can't see it. Lena taught me that. Lena is my better half. I wonder if she ever thinks that I taught her how dark can life be too? I hope not. I can be many things, but I never want to be the one who ruins the innocence , even if it can't never last