10.6.16

It is very strange how the human mind works.
It is all about choices, all about compensation. It is what you rather, rather than what you would, should.
For example:
- I am terrified of people
- I am terrified of small space
-> I was in the house with 5 strangers, so I climb inside a tiny closet in order to be alone. The fear of people was simply 5 times more than the fear of small space, so I compensate.

Once, a long time ago, I read a story about bravery. It was about a father, who was terrified of bees, and his son. They walked into a forest together one day, and the son kicked a hornet's nest, and the father screamed out "run", with no struggle in his voice. He stayed, so that the hornet stung him instead of his son. He returned home with wounds very late that night, and when his son told him he forgot something important in the forest and wants to come back to retrieve it, he said " I would never go into that place again, not because I am in pain, but because I am terrified of bees, please ask your mother to come with you".

The little boy didn't understand why he wasn't scared before, but he is now, and his mother explained: "Because when your father think the hornet will attack you, he sees that the decision has been made, so he need not to be scared, but now he can say no. Your father is not a brave man. True bravery is when you see that you have a choice, and you choose the option that is least comfortable, but more beneficial."

Some may say this is a sweet sweet story of love, but I see it as a great story of getting out of your comfort zone.

3 years back, when I just started out blogging, traveling, there have been many times when I got complimented on my "bravery". They said " I don't know if I can do the same thing as you, 15, moving alone to a whole new country, wait tables while starting your own business, travel the world alone and things like that". I said, if you are me you would.

I have never made that choice. I have never wake up one day and think that I want to be great, I want to be an amazing person, I have never seen any possibility or responsibility in being the best person I can be. I simply just be. I was so broke, I need to work. I suck at working for other people, so I needed to make my own. I hate where I live, so I need to run away. It was the only logical decision for me at that point of time, therefore it was no bravery, it was simply a must.

Choices are everything. No human are made solely a loser or a winner, we are made choosers. Ironically, when you feel like you have no choice, you also lost your will to live - live, and simply breathing - walking.

Choices, sometimes are bad, sometimes are good, not because you choose them to be that way, but because the options revealed are just all bad options or all good options. You need to make the best out of it. But still, a half cup full still can be a half cup full of shits.

Because of this, choices are also deception. If i ask you that you want a cup full of shits or a cup full of piss, you think you have a choice, but yeah, you get what I mean.

Think of the big picture. In life, sometimes, you don't get the option to have options, you need to compensate your abilities in making decisions, but never forget, you have countless possibilities.

Think of the cup of shits. Choose it. Ask yourself what do you want to do with it. Make it into something. Throw it into someone's face. Flush it down the toilet. Grow some potato or some shit. You get what I mean? Everyone is terrified because they only see the bad parts after chapter 1, when the true true true happy ending is at chapter 111.

It is not wrong to want to be comfortable, or be as comfortable as possible. I climb into closets to hide away from people, I understand that deeply. But you will have to get out sometimes. Take a break, take a deep breath, you have every right to do it, but also remember to throw the cup of shits away.

I think of myself as a complete loser. I see myself in the fullest compare to anyone else, therefore it must be true, right? To my logical sense it is. I wasn't born extra special, I wasn't extraordinary pretty or talented in anyway, I tried and tried, and I trick people into thinking I was something because they only see the results and not the process of what the fuck is really going on.

But still, even if I don't have the choice to be a winner, I do however have the options to kill every fucking winners in this world and be my own last man standing.

Think of the big picture, even if you are sitting in a closet.

Above all pain, above all fears, there is you. You, I, We, are bigger than a part of us. Bigger than the demons creeping in our mind. We didn't choose for the demons to be here, and it feel wrong sometimes killing the demons when it is a part of us, but yeah, sometime all choices are painful. You, I, We, just have to be brave to make the decision that is least comfortable, and more beneficial.

In the big picture, we always have a choice. In the full story, there is always a happy ending.



2 comments:

  1. The best part of my day is the time when I can read your blog, your thoughts...I just love the way you write and the way you think. I found myself in you. ..please GG,write a book ^^ I would definitely buy it..even if it will cost hundreds ..wishing you the best. But probably you won't read this :) nevermind ..greeting you from Europe

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  2. sounds to me like you have masochistic issues. you are a victim, you are used to being a victim, therefore you constantly put yourself in victimizing situations. you will win when you learn to stop feeling sorry for yourself. and let go of the self so much. volunteer and do some service. join a foods not bombs or start one locally. if you wanna get better, its gonna hurt. ur gonna read this and think im a hater or wrong but im not. its up to u now.

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