18.5.16

I am always alone, and it has been fine. It has always been fine, because that is just how it is, my reality, my everyday, nothing to be sad over when you got nothing better to compare it too.

And that is when I meet my husband.

I meet him, and everything changed. It is not just me and him no. It is everything around me. I reflect him, and my friends, the people who I care about me, reflect me. Love spreads so fast it is insane.

For the first time in my life, i had a gathering meeting with my loved ones before i leave. And we hug, and i got teary eyes and shit. Insane shit. I go around so much, no one ever knows where i am, no one ever asked how i am, and when they wanna come over to see me, they ask "are you even in the country right now?". And then suddenly now everyone is telling me please take care, we miss you, and i can't seem to leave.

I have to, of course. I left. I got work to do, i always do, me and my important business shit, above all things. It is not only in our relationship, me and my friends and my husband has gone to a stage that I never tried before too: working together. I am very secretive about my online life, my job in general, and they know i am doing something fashion, that's it. But now, i start to pull all of them into my life, i am working with them, living together... It sounds normal to most, maybe, but trust me, a month ago i do not believe i am capable of that, ever

And then that's when things turned to shit

When your are alone, it's easy. it's you. whatever. You mess up, it's alright, you deserve it anyway. You try again. But since the day i leave, i am just crumbling into pieces, making mistakes, although unintentionally, hurting everyone around me, and it keeps on bleeding. No. No. I ruin everything, and i hurt the people that I love, that is all I ever do. I try my best, i really do, to fix it, but whatever I attempted just make it worse, and i just cry, cry,cry.

forget Germany, forget Russia, forget Paris, forget Milan. Wherever I am, I just want to runaway, runaway, runaway. I was telling this to my friend and my husband, and also, for the first time ever, they said "please come home. money you can make later, and you right now is the most important thing for us"

and then i go on and screwed up more things

It is so so so much easier alone, it hurts so much more when it is not you, i never knew. It is the feeling of disappointing people who you care about that twists and turns the knife you used to stab yourself with. I don't know how to go back to the way things was, I rather to be in pain alone then now, letting them in, standing in my room, watching me bleeds

I know you love me. You know I love you. But this is too much

I am so, so,so sorry

1 comment:

  1. do you really think that your friends started to care about you since u got married? and your magic love "reflected everybody" and suddenly they started to care and show love and attention? you are so selfish that simply cannot or probably don't want to admit that everybody care for you before and you are not that miserable, but due to the image of a sad plaaastic u keep whinning how lonely you are. Its like after you fall in love, you want to believe it changed everyone and they started to love you?? no girl, your friends always loved and worried about you, you just LIKE to believe that it happenned because of your new love and the story sounds good. btw what how did you feel after mentioning in your blog that u've spent your new year all alone like always, but in fact you were with your friends every single day that time? yeah, sounds like a good story for your blog, but its simply not true. you make everyone to believe that you are unsocial, alone and sad, but infact you are really good talking shits to even unknown people and you are hanging out with your friends everyday. a question: is it all just for show? for the image of a sad girl? stop lying to yourself at least. please don't be selfish to your friends, listen to them more and talk less, they all got problems too, can you imagine that?

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