20.4.16

I have reached, I have pulled myself to a new low

Holy fucking shits, I am so happy right now. Happiest I have ever been since forever, swimming in love, loving new hopes, hope and hope for everything. Everyday I woke up like a fucking ray of sunshine, and yet it still happened.

A familiar motherfucking relapse.

Last year, 2015, I thought it was the craziest year of all: moving out of Singapore, back in Hanoi, becoming an actual full time blogger, bought my own home, starting to write books, meeting Lena in Russia... and then just as 2016 starts, I got married.

I love him, I love him so much I have become a softy, a cheesy cheesy softy. I want to stay at home and look at him while he sleeps and play with his hair although he has none and cook for him and being carried around in his arms.

I thought I was cured from all sickness, I thought love is the answer to everything. May be it is, may be it isn't. Everything is uncertain because I am not asking the right question.

Married for a month, today is my first day leaving his side. Seriously, since the day we met, we have not been far from each other at all, not even for a few hours without us feeling like we are dying. And yet, I am leaving for a month, to Europe, to perform in my first contemporary dance tour ever.

Just reached to the hotel, I heard the receptionist said to "put your bag down and go stuff your self with our breakfast buffet, I know you are starving"

And that is exactly what I did.

Simple as that, simple as if nothing have happened, I binged, again, and again, and again. Binged till tired, binged till i fainted. No reasons, no triggers, no nothing whatsoever, I am just back to being me. What hurts me the most was realizing he has nothing to do with this, he wasn't even on my mind, it was just my disorder taking the wheels again, and it is crashing me down hill at full speed.

Nothing fills me in, nothing heals me, even unbearable happiness.

Disorder always find a reason that sounds so logical at that point of time. You are happy, treat yourself. You are sad, do it to take away the sadness. You are angry, put the blame on it. You are disappointed, might as well be disappointed in yourself too.

I can feel like today is going to be the first of many days again, and again I don't want to live to see those days.

How can you tell someone who you treasure that you have an addition with puking?

It is so fucking painful. I used to not give a shit, and it was easier. Now I care, I care for my health, I care if he cares, I care about everything because I care about him and he is my everything. And yet, I walked in the cold, in the 5 degree weather, in the strange street of Europe where I have never been to find food to fucking puke.

Is this funny to you? this is fucking hilarious to me, I can't stop laughing

I am delusional, I am psycho. I complained to everyone I can't afford shits, I beg people to give me opportunity to work, I worry about every dimes and yet I just spent the salary of my first performance ever in vegan kebabs and fries,

Holy Germany, vegan burgers and fries and pizzas everywhere laughing at me.

Once again, I feel like I can't talk. Once again, I need the Internet to share. Locking myself in the room, not giving a shit about the entire deaf and mute dancers group I am suppose to take care of, crying my heart out, not saying a word to anyone I love, telling them I miss them, I am a little piece of shits.

Wearing my hoodies, walking out again, it is time for session 2, session 3, session 4.

My throat burns from scratches. My back aches. My eyes tearing up and my insides tearing apart. I don't know why I have to do this, I don't know why I do anything anymore. Give me a reason, that is my question, if I can't stop my bullshit doing then at least let me know why I am suffering at all. I am tired, I am alone, and it is more painful now that I know I can be happy yet I am not.


7 comments:

  1. I did the same thing few minutes ago. I ate, because I thought it was the happiest moment, it was the only moment I felt like I can control my life, it was the only moment I felt like I was doing the right thing, the only right thing for me to do was eating. It was not eating anymore, it was filling the hole in your chest that nothing can fill, nothing can heal, nothing can do anything about it. Just food, because food eases the pain, food balances my life, at least it gives me the delusion that I, in a short moment, can makes that pain go away. I wanted to cry, but I was in class, I can't cry there. I felt so lonely, and I was thinking about you. So I went back to my room, put two fingers inside my throat, and threw up, and watched what I used to enjoy became a mess, floating. My stomach hurt, and I can't stop crying. I don't know why this happens to me, or to you, I no longer think there's any reason for pain. It is just there, just like everything else. It is a part of this life, a life that we try so hard everyday to survive. It doesn't make any sense. But death doesn't make any sense too. So why killing yourself when it doesn't change anything at all? I don't know, I'm tired, and I just really want to talk about it. I am here, I am listening. You are not alone. None of us are. I hope you are okay. I truly hope you are okay.

    ReplyDelete

  2. Stay still and stay strong , I wish I could help you and I wish I could have the secret ingredient that would fix everything for you , I hope you are feeling better and try to at least remember that we are all here with you , the people who listen , who read your thoughts and the people who are in your life , you can't be afraid to tell someone something so important that has been complicating your life , you have to try to fight back what you are feeling by making changes in everything around you. And maybe you're not so happy now because he is not there with you , your rock * I just wanted to say this because I couldn't be indifferent to what you were saying , I am a big fan of you're work , you are beautiful and you have a really creative mind , I really hope you are better and when you don't fell good , remember we are all here as always to support you <3 I hope this isn't to weird coming from a stranger but yeah . All the love from Portugal <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Stay strong honey, we are all here for you, i can't imagine how it feels to be far from something you need, something you love, for example, my loves, my everything that i cannot live without are guys that make youtube videos, no matter how stupid that sounds, it's the truth, the worst thing about this is that sometimes they're the only ones who i know that no matter what they will make me smile, they will make me forget about all, they will make change my mood to extreme happiness with just one video, they got the power of making me happy, sometimes i feel that for once in my life, i don't have to work so hard to be happy, because they're always for me, the bad thing about this: they're so fucking far away, i wish i could tell them everything i feel about them face to face, and the other bad thing is that people thinks that i'm stupid for my tastes and my fandom, but who cares? i'm hella happy with being a fucking fangirl, i've been in a lot of fandoms but this is definitely the one, i found so much people who are really worth it, more than the people who are near me, why would i listen what people says about me when i'm happy? Well, my mood is really changing and it sucks but, why would i care about that ball of stupids that are just trying to make me feel like a shit? I know what makes me happy and i know exactly what i want, and i will fight and make everything to break that fucking distance that separates me from the people who make me love life, so, if you want something, go and chase it, don't let life drown you in shit, you can always get better with that people that helps you getting better, that indirectly say to you "smile honey, here i am" so, if your husband makes you happy, don't you ever let him go, ever, let that toxic things or people drown in their own shit and smile them from the top telling them "die piece of shit"
    And in the top of my comment i wasn’t talking about the distance that separates us, i’m far from them, but i can’t imagine a life (i mean now, because i suppose that in a few years this feelings will just dissapear) with the loneliness that comes to me when i don’t watch they’re videos and i don’t know nothing about them.
    I hope you can be with your husband really soon, here for you always.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Stay strong honey, we are all here for you, i can't imagine how it feels to be far from something you need, something you love, for example, my loves, my everything that i cannot live without are guys that make youtube videos, no matter how stupid that sounds, it's the truth, the worst thing about this is that sometimes they're the only ones who i know that no matter what they will make me smile, they will make me forget about all, they will make change my mood to extreme happiness with just one video, they got the power of making me happy, sometimes i feel that for once in my life, i don't have to work so hard to be happy, because they're always for me, the bad thing about this: they're so fucking far away, i wish i could tell them everything i feel about them face to face, and the other bad thing is that people thinks that i'm stupid for my tastes and my fandom, but who cares? i'm hella happy with being a fucking fangirl, i've been in a lot of fandoms but this is definitely the one, i found so much people who are really worth it, more than the people who are near me, why would i listen what people says about me when i'm happy? Well, my mood is really changing and it sucks but, why would i care about that ball of stupids that are just trying to make me feel like a shit? I know what makes me happy and i know exactly what i want, and i will fight and make everything to break that fucking distance that separates me from the people who make me love life, so, if you want something, go and chase it, don't let life drown you in shit, you can always get better with that people that helps you getting better, that indirectly say to you "smile honey, here i am" so, if your husband makes you happy, don't you ever let him go, ever, let that toxic things or people drown in their own shit and smile them from the top telling them "die piece of shit"
    And in the top of my comment i wasn’t talking about the distance that separates us, i’m far from them, but i can’t imagine a life (i mean now, because i suppose that in a few years this feelings will just dissapear) with the loneliness that comes to me when i don’t watch they’re videos and i don’t know nothing about them.
    I hope you can be with your husband really soon, here for you always.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know what you mean and have been thru anorexia and bulimia for ten years. There is an end to it but it is slow and every decision matters. On the outer, a healthy eating and exercise routine helps a lot. Find an exercise routine that you enjoy and let it push you until you're all out of breath and feel like dying. For me, it was running. In running, I can think, the darkness lifts and I can think. Maybe it's because of the dopamine rush when you do something physically strenuous, but I've never felt so calm until after a nice run session. All the angst and darkness fade after a run. Make it into routine, and you will eventually feel your body become hungry for food to replenish the muscles you've used. Eat and eat healthy. Exercise isn't an all cure, but it did help me conquer my fear of food (restricting for days and then binging then off to put two fingers down my throat). Exercise taught me what food is for, that it is for healing and nourishing the body. I wish you all the best dear, there is light after the darkness. Hugs from Manila xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. I know what you mean and have been thru anorexia and bulimia for ten years. There is an end to it but it is slow and every decision matters. On the outer, a healthy eating and exercise routine helps a lot. Find an exercise routine that you enjoy and let it push you until you're all out of breath and feel like dying. For me, it was running. In running, I can think, the darkness lifts and I can think. Maybe it's because of the dopamine rush when you do something physically strenuous, but I've never felt so calm until after a nice run session. All the angst and darkness fade after a run. Make it into routine, and you will eventually feel your body become hungry for food to replenish the muscles you've used. Eat and eat healthy. Exercise isn't an all cure, but it did help me conquer my fear of food (restricting for days and then binging then off to put two fingers down my throat). Exercise taught me what food is for, that it is for healing and nourishing the body. I wish you all the best dear, there is light after the darkness. Hugs from Manila xx

    ReplyDelete