having no friends and feeling lonely is not a thing to romanticize about. it is a real fucking pain in the ass
when i say i am all alone, i am literally all alone. living all alone, working all alone, talking to myself. i hate it when people who have colleges and classmates and families tell me they are all by yourself, but they are not. sure, you might be feeling lonely, but someone got your back, and that is not what all of us have.
i am really tired of not opening my mouth for months, never going out from my 20m2 apartment. i am really tired of caring shits around doing photoshoot by myself, tired of learning how to cook for one.
sometimes when i meet someone new, and they tell me how can it be that bad? and it makes me wonder what have i done so horribly, what kind of person am i to not deserve a single person sticking in my life?
i got no clue. absolutely no fucking idea at all.
things just happen. i move around so much i barely see anyone. my anxiety caught up with me so much old relationships got tired of knocking on my door. family has been done with me and im done with them for years though, so i got that much less to worry about.
"go out","make some friends","talk to new people". sure i would love to, but i dont know how. if i know how to get out of this terrifying loneliness don't you think i would have done that instead of blogging and sobbing everyday? i just can't, i just can't
no one believes me when i said i am the last survior in my entire fucking world, and that is even more sad than the deal itself. what can i tell you to prove to you i crave attention, a hug to no end. the tiniest hello from anyone melts my heart, and yet i can't even smile back. I am an awkward disconnected being, and i try to stay close to the people who cares about me but i fail every single time.
stay with me, bare with me. i am bad at words, i am a walking irony. everything i have done, every road i have taken, every sentence i have said lead me to exactly where i am right now, lying on the bed, heads on the side so i can breath with only one nose blocked.