7.12.15

having no friends and feeling lonely is not a thing to romanticize about. it is a real fucking pain in the ass

when i say i am all alone, i am literally all alone. living all alone, working all alone, talking to myself.    i hate it when people who have colleges and classmates and families tell me they are all by yourself, but they are not. sure, you might be feeling lonely, but someone got your back, and that is not what all of us have.

i am really tired of not opening my mouth for months, never going out from my 20m2 apartment. i am really tired of caring shits around doing photoshoot by myself, tired of learning how to cook for one.

sometimes when i meet someone new, and they tell me how can it be that bad? and it makes me wonder what have i done so horribly, what kind of person am i to not deserve a single person sticking in my life?

i got no clue. absolutely no fucking idea at all.

things just happen. i move around so much i barely see anyone. my anxiety caught up with me so much old relationships got tired of knocking on my door. family has been done with me and im done with them for years though, so i got that much less to worry about.

"go out","make some friends","talk to new people". sure i would love to, but i dont know how. if i know how to get out of this terrifying loneliness don't you think i would have done that instead of blogging and sobbing everyday? i just can't, i just can't

no one believes me when i said i am the last survior in my entire fucking world, and that is even more sad than the deal itself. what can i tell you to prove to you i crave attention, a hug to no end. the tiniest hello from anyone melts my heart, and yet i can't even smile back. I am an awkward disconnected being, and i try to stay close to the people who cares about me but i fail every single time.

stay with me, bare with me. i am bad at words, i am a walking irony. everything i have done, every road i have taken, every sentence i have said lead me to exactly where i am right now, lying on the bed, heads on the side so i can breath with only one nose blocked.

14 comments:

  1. it takes time, but you /will/ meet people worth sticking to. it's not a matter of if but a matter of when, so hang on! you've also got support behind the screen hhaah :-)

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  2. Hey, I'm trying to get to you. Until I make it, I won't leave you alone. Nhi.

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  3. It is more than fine to be bad with words. I can think of a fuckload of people who are famous for their writing but you still resonate more with a big demographic of teens than they ever will. If you want to talk to someone, just send "hi". It's stressful to establish a conversation at first, but I swear no one would every criticize you for something such a simple word. You can send it to a mental health website, a fan, a mutual, me! You've got people out there who want more than anything to befriend you, they're just nervous to make themselves known. For real. You are young and inspiring. I can't WAIT to read your book when it's out in English. It's a new way that I will be able to get to know your history.

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  4. You're not alone!! You have us!! You can talk to us through this blog. That feeling is horrible. It's quite depressing really. I know that talking about your feelings online is not enough. It was enough for me. I knew I had to do something in my day to day life. For me, I had friends I talk to, but at the end of the day I'd be dying because no one really cared about me. No one really loved me or accepted me for who I was. They were all basically using me. The only way I got that stupid thought out of my mind was just stepping out of my comfort zone. It's a long process and it's something I never really thought I could do. I would panic all the time, but now I'm doing seven different tasks all at once. I got a position for a club yesterday which was something I never imagined myself doing. I went over what I thought were my limits. I kept going at it. I joined so many leadership to seek out the people that can relate to me. I realized that people won't know me unless I speak up. When you say that you don't know how to confront people. I don't either. I make mistakes. People advise me. I correct my mistakes. I love myself(hard thing to do but shrugs I still hurt myself) I learn. WE are not dumb. We are just human beings. There is always space for us to learn more. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and realizing what matters to you. Whatever decision you make is always ALWAYS supported by us.

    xx
    your dearest follower

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  5. GG. You can take this as a form of advice or ignore this. I'm saying this from my heart because I have been stuck in almost same situation as you for the past 9 months. I've been following you for more than a year too so I can sorta understand how you feel, then again I may not cuz I'm not you.

    I know you have anxiety problems like I do. the thing is... you have been in your comfort zone for too long. Correct me if I'm wrong: you want people to reach out to you, but when people do, your anxiety problem kicks in and you withdraw yourself from them. You want friends, but you also feel safest in being alone. You being alone IS your comfort zone. You should know that if you want something in life, you gotta not only work hard, but make sacrifices. So if you want at least one person to stay by your side, then you gotta be willing to step out of your comfort zone and open up to this person despite your anxiety, despite feeling absolutely shitty about yourself, despite feeling uncomfortable in social situations. Sacrifices remember? Sacrifice your need to feel comfortable and safe being alone. Otherwise, sacrifice your need for friends. One thing is for sure: you need to open up and compromise in order for people to stay in your life. Well if you're desperate enough for friends, you will somehow find a way to make friends even if it's difficult, just like how you've been struggling to make a living for yourself on social media in order to survive.

    Well... life is a constant struggle. Please stay strong GG. I know it's easier said than done. Just you know live life everyday to the fullest and happiest I guess.

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  6. gg, its okay and at the same time its not. what i want to say is, you're gg and im thankful that you're you. from what i can see, there are strangers who have your back (note all of the above) and im sure they cared enough to comment and support you (even if they dont exactly help, atleast they tried). ;

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  7. Can i please be your friend - NEUROSE

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  8. The truth is, that this is the price that you have to pay for being unique. Each person, who has a unique personality (which means, that he has a unique way of thinking, a unique point of view on life etc...) have to pay some price for being that different, and that unique. It's a known fact that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. If you are an artist\just some weirdo, you'll be that close to insanity, which means that fears, pain and so on... are part of your life. This is the cruel truth.
    You have your own world\ you feel like you've come from a different planet, and you search for other people, who maybe have come from the same planet as you.
    Actually, it's not that bad. With time you'll meet people, who will learn to love and maybe even understand you anyway. And these people will stay with you forever. This is when you learn to appreciate real friendship, I mean, if someone is be able to bare you with all of your uniqueness (fears, tears and so on...), then he is probably a real friend.
    Artists and other weirdoes, these are the people who'll be the most close to understand you, because most of them are in the same place as you - in the middle between insanity and genius.
    Just be patient, you'll meet these people, they will come to your life one after one, it's just a matter of time. Like attracts like, it's the law of the universe.
    Endless love from me, Vlada Gilburt <3

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  9. Hello plaaastic. I'm a average girl of Europe, I'm not going to insist u or be annoying or dramatic, if u need/want/want try talk with someone, a simple person who is not going to judge u or try be a shitty psychologist u could write me to my email (annie-knock@hotmail.com). Ure not going to lost nothing 4try it -only waste little time, lmao-. Have a good day.

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  11. Know what that thing means, loosing people because they're fed up of your anxiety. That's the definition of my life too, it's depressing. I'd love hugging you, but I'm from Spain and it's really far from there, but you count with my support if you need anything. Dunno why this shit doesn't allow me to sign in, so I leave here my email in case you want to talk to sb. Best wishes. electricgurrrl@gmail.com

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  12. "I am an awkward disconnected being, and i try to stay close to the people who care about me but i fail every single time."
    I don't think I have ever related to something this well.

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  13. Wish I could be with you.
    yeti

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  14. some one who even more depress than me or i just overreact to everything

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