22.10.15

the upside of being a chronic depressed case in the eyes of friends and co-workers is that I can tell people “sorry I am too sad to...” whatever and they leave me alone

 the downside is, they leave me alone


I have been feeling completely shit. That is not news, but that also doesn't make it any less shitty. I recently have gotten more work than ever, I have finally get to where I want to be which is people recognizing me for my work and they have stopped telling me that I am too weird, but instead praising it. But little did I know, when they start praising it, they will start to milk it too. I am now lost again in a completely different battle, and I have no idea how to handle it.

I used the Internet to reach out to people in the first place because I have no one to connect to IRL. Now, I can reach to anyone I want, and yet I am more alone than ever. It is amazing how everything goes back to where it started, people start to see me as a product, as a "thing", as a "her", as something so far away which is exactly what I aimed to be in the first place.

People talk about me in third person on my social media sites. People tell me they feel like they are my best friends and shit when they know nothing more than 1 pictures every 2 days. No one believes me when I said I don't earn shit and I am poor, and right now if I brand tells me they can't pay me, it is not because they couldn't afford to but it is because they expect me to do charity. 

Beside work, life is not much better. Same amount of friends for about 10 years, the numbers just keep decreasing when you age and yet you keep getting worse at talking to people. I can, I can talk. It is just I can talk for about 10 minutes and then I probably need to run away from you forever because I don't want you to know me. You don't know me like I don't know me.

I couldn't get out from my room anymore. I used to despite people with body odor, and now I stink and I don't care anymore just because I am afraid of seeing my body in the bathroom mirror. When was the last time I brush my teeth? 

And yeah, I am still expected to go out, put on make up and shoot some damn photos if I don't want to starve to death.

you wanna hear some seriously funny stuff? I got a book deal, to write a story about my life. Basically a 21 years diary. I couldn't pick up the pen to write a single word and instead I lay on the floor for about 1 month, holding my knees tight to my chest. I spend the spare time looking at the phone writing blog and tweeting to distract myself from the pile of meat in the mirror.

I feel disgusting. I am disgusted about my own disgustingness and yet I feel too disgusting to do anything about my disgustingness. I am the disgusted.


5 comments:

  1. man all of this sounds so terrible, i know those feelings way too good, and i know its pretty cliche to say this but i hope things get better, i just want you to know that you are loved and if you ever need anyone to talk to i would always be down to do so, i know how shitty it is when no one truly understands how you feel ❤️‍ get well soon xx

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  2. I can't say that we as readers truly know you/what you're going through as all we know about you is through what you choose to release out to us. But I think what matters is that we do care for you, and some of us (at the very least) will be worried should serious harm come to you. And for me, I don't view you as a "product" - you're one of the few public figures that still come off as very real. So do take care, and remember that the first step towards self-betterment needs to come from the self :').
    -sent with love and the best wishes.

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  3. I have friends, a boyfriend and my family (though they don't live too close) but I still feel alone. I do it to myself. I don't wanna go out. I felt this creeping up on me for months, but I didn't think it would hit me, because my circumstances are pretty good. You can't help what you feel inside. I try to remember that I will forever be stuck with myself, but I will also be my best friend. I'm trying to be as honest as I can with myself, because I absolutely can't with others. Believing I can be happy and feel fullfilled one day gives me hope, but this is a thing for me that comes and goes and apparently not so much when I expect it. Right now, I miss warmth and I'm thinking of moving back home to my parents. Which would probably be a mistake considering they will get on my nerves within hours. I'm confident that I'll wake up again one day and feel okay. And okay is relatively good. What I wrote doesn't sound very helpful, but you're not alone in what you feel and I think you're strong for writing this piece so publicly. I can't do that obviously.

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  4. Hey GG ! (is that your real name ! (-: ) You have been amazing and truly one of my inpsirations out there in terms of the visuals you create and your crazy attitude!!! You deserve so much better than the suituations you describe , but maybe these people just don't see you for what you are below your outward beauty. Cant say we know you for what you are inside, but I believe from what ive seen that you are an amazingly deep and beautiful individual, kind-hearted where most people don't bother and humble when you don't have to be. And its okay to be disgusted at oneself once in awhile, I guess it helps us to grow ? Stay strong. Sending you love.

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