Since the day I started this blog, I have made a promise to myself to never ever be a sell-out. I am horrified to a certain kind of blogger which post things like "hey check me out with this face mask and my boyfriend's family how fun!!!"(please don't be offended basics i just simply don't feel ya). I wanted to be a concept, an idea, and for this blog to be a place where i show the world my mind, my feelings, my ideas through the colour, the aesthetic. I was aspired to be like an "illusion museum", where I show the world what i want them to see, and for them to be entertained.
In the progress, I realized that despite the facts I do blog about my personal feelings at time, it is just isn't enough. When my number of followers were smaller, they were more "understanding" in a sense, it was alright, but right now people are just expecting me to be something new, something different, something fun every.single.day.
And despite the fact that i want to be just a concept, an idea; I am not, and having fun every single day is just not possible.
Therefore, I have decided to do a little blog post about how things are actually going down around here, what is up with me, and not "plaaastic", a "behind the scene" kinda peek. This post is probably gonna be drowned in my next 12930192832137 outfit posts anyway but still let's do it.
1. I am poor
I am. I really fucking am. I have no idea how people have the idea of me being rich, and every time someone ask me casually about money, i sweat. In my mind, oh the horror, i calculate fun times in work hours, and "something nice for yourself" is "loan some money from the bank to buy something that is not gonna worth it bleeding in heels 18 hours later on" being said in a nicer way.
As most of you know, I lived in Singapore since I was 15 until last year, and I support myself. I worked as a blogger, photographer, a designer, a freelance social media consultant..etc. But as most of you do not know, I still wait tables, I live in an apartment that is only enough for a bed, and I literally hustle days through days.
Be hold the biggest revelation of the year: blogging does not fucking pay. Doesn't matter how long you did it for. Doesn't matter how may followers you have. Doesn't even mater you are a perfectionist and you do not post anything with the grade bellow 9/10. If you are not a sell-out, you have a chance of 0,01% in survival in the blogging world, and halve that into 0,005% if you want to not be a sell out and still make money.
I have brands, magazines, designers email me every single day asking me for "promoting their brand". I will put this out there, first and last: I do not fucking promote. What the heck is promote I don't even fucking know. I offer advertisements for brands, but only for brands I have personally wore in the past, ethically produced, and aesthetically pleasing. Please guess how many brands out there that have all that? close to nothing. And how many brands out there that have all that with an ability to pay me? even closer to nothing.
Every time I post a blog post, there is a hell of a production going on. Renting locations, hiring photographer, buying props, finding accessories, and on and on and on... And yet, people still telling me like "Will you promote for me i give you a free tshirt sometime soon in the future alright??". Hell no
I feel very much upset when my fellow fashion bloggers are thrilling and thriving under the sun when they sip champagne under the sunset in Bali, while I work my 16 hours ship , only to go home at 4am, get prepared and head out for shoot again at 7.
- How do you afford all these clothes?
- I don't. They are either from work, vintage or I made them.Have not bought a thing in at least a year
- How do you pay for all of your travel expenses??
- I stay at friend's house, couch surfing, sleep in a sleeping bed on a street. Take a 4 day flights instead of 1 to save 20 dollars, book ticket a year in advance, and let's not forget the amount of loan I have bigger than my head from the bank
2. I literally hate everyone
I don't know about you guys, but people who meet me for the first time always tell me that they thought I am a party kind of person. I am not. In fact, I could live happily in just my room for the rest of my life. I have no desire to hang/chill/have fun, I just want to be with my Netflix 100% honest.
Yesterday I went out to order food and i realize I have not open my mouth to talk in a week, and I feel just fine. Beside the depression, anxiety, and all that psychology term doctors use to describe me, I am just genuinely not a people person.
Fashion week party? No thanks. Brand launching, red carpet? No thanks. People also have the usual misunderstanding that I model for some reason. Please, I couldn't even bare looking at the mirror this morning. Have you ever seen a selfie of me on my instagram? May be 1 or 2 in my entire blogging life, because I hate having the camera pointing at me.
How do I make this work? I post photos on my blog and media sites and never look back. It's like you don't read your diary in the third grade, it is just too embarrassing. My one and only photographer is also my best friend's girlfriend, and she is the one who took every single photo of me in the past 2 years. I am just not comfortable working with anyone else, so yes that modeling thing is not going to happen anytime soon.
The amount of people assuming that I have a life is overloaded. I always receive emails like " I would totally sign with you but I assume you already have an angency". Hell no. No one even offer me a contract before lmao. Something about me gives out the aura that I am very "settled" I guess, like I have figured everything out, but honestly I only just found out I wore my underwear inside out and that's why I have been itching all day.
I have 5 friends, 4 very close one, and my photographer who work with me almost everyday. All of them have known me my whole life. If they offer me new friends, I said no thanks I have enough to use for now. I usually find myself very uncomfortable in a group more than 3 people.
3. I am the most unlucky person on the planet
I know I have talked about this before, but again no one ever seems to understand what I am talking about. You know how people always tell you shit like "it's all in your head" and "trust me it's just what you think". Come one people seriously stop being cliche. Obviously it's all in my head tell me what kind of thought doesn't come from my head?? Also it is obvious that it's just what you think that it is just what i think. Think, people, think.
Right now, when I am typing this, I am sitting in the immigration room of Singapore. I was denied immigration and been sitting here for hours, in a room full of prostitutes, coming here hoping to get married, just because I am Vietnamese and my school failed to document some of my paper.
If you think that "It is just a one time thing, you are just being negative", again, you are wrong. Actually, I have been living like this my entire life, and I didn't even realize that was bad luck until someone pointed it out for me. This part I admit, I am not good at realizing when things about me are odd to people, like when i squirt lemonade on pizza and received dirty looks.
My entire life, every time, if I decided to stay at home, the electricity is gone/heater broken/ a hole magically appears and from there shits start to fall into my bed. I wish I am being over dramatic but I am so not.
Right now, I just got out of the airport, went to a vegan place to eat, it has closed, and the hostel I booked has no elevator so I am carrying my 40kg luggage up to level 3.
Fun fact, one of the reason I chose to wear black, is because "black" in Vietnamese literally means "bad luck". That's what my friend calls me, bad luck. I also have a 13 tattoo on my elbow, because sometimes I think it's just what represents me the best.
And I am telling you, my bad luck is not even the universal bad luck type, it is the crazy tsunami tornado type. Example, first time I went to New York, it was the coldest ever winter in the history of America. First time I went to Nepal: snow storm in the middle of summer. Went back to Vietnam after winter in Cali? The hottest ever summer of the century. All of this, happen within 1 month. Call me crazy but that's shit luck.
Right now I just realized that my hostel is on top of a karaoke + "good time" bars and prostitutes are horrible singers. What's up with me and sex workers today omg
I got one hell of a story to tell you. Remember 2 weeks ago I was in Oklahoma for graduation? Well that shit was really fucking shitty as well. If you follow me on tumblr or snapchat, you will know parts of the story: My class went for a trip to the filming studio of Channel 5's weather station, and I took a random tourist photo with my middle finger up at the green screen which was showing a map of Oklahoma. Me, stupidly, post that photo on my social media sites with the caption "Hi, the weather is bad and y'all going to die", and it went VIRAL. I have no idea I could get a million reblogs in 3 days. At first, I thought that was cool, until I went to class later and I got scolded in front of the class for "doing bad things at channel 5". My teacher demand me to write an apology letter to Channel 5, and realizing it was bad publicity for them, I did and I was sincerely sorry, but I keep wondering how the hell did they found out?? Just at that moment my friend messaged me and said apparently I have gone viral on reddit and 9gag. I wish I can post the photo here for you guys to see but that would made all these happen again lol.
As I read through the comments on Reddit, I saw the reason why I almost got failed in my class: a guy tweeted channel 5 to ask who am I, because according to him "there is no way they let her on television with eyebrow piercing like that".
This was Thursday. And while all of these are happening, tornado approach Oklahoma. The first one hit right after I posted the photo,and the second one did while we was having our graduation dinner. Literally after I just put the lettuce in my mouth, the siren howled, and we rushed back to the hotel. We all have to went into the hotel's laundry room to stay, because that's the safest place in the hotel, and that's when I saw myself on BBC news. Yes, fucking BBC news. "This photo is becoming huge on the Internet because just after she posted it with the caption "Hi, the weather is bad and y'all going to die, Oklahoma got hit by one of the worst tornado ever". Imagine my feeling, I wished the ground would pretty please crack a hole so I can fall down on the side and sob for a little while.
Next day, here we go, my graduation. Wearing a gown and tassel and all, happy me was just received my cert and strutting off the campus street, when my teacher literally just came up and said " Channel 5 has canceled the tour for our school forever, I have wrote a transcript to the dean and you will never be forgiven in Oklahoma". After that she just walk off, like that damn tornado just wreck everything and leave with no hard feeling whatsoever.
Pissed, upset, hating everything, being bullied even more by my already terrible roommates, I couldn't wait flying to LA the day after to see my sister. Only it didn't happen. Obviously another tornado came and my flight was canceled. And it was canceled again the next day. And my flight from LA to Hanoi was also canceled for 2 days in a row.
Go on, tell me my name is not 13 now, I dare you.
Sorry, enough rant for today. I probably should go to sleep with other 16 people in the dorm room snores as my lullaby. That's what you get for being poor and unlucky and full of hate.