9.3.15

It has been a long time since i write something up here. And I wish that it is because I am happy right now, so I am more focused in the "real" life, instead of my online life, but actually, it turned out to be the direct opposite. I am feeling worse, and worse, sinking deeper and deeper into whatever this emotion called. Apparently there is no such thing as "rock bottom", life is an endless black hole that spin you right into the middle of pure shittiness, testing your body tolerance to the pain it can takes inside out, upgrading the level everytime you feel like you finally got the hang of this.

I finally have to admit, moving out of Singapore and moving back to Ha Noi, was probably one of the worst thing I have ever done to myself. So ironic, because Ha Noi is the city I love so much and i used to despite living in Singapore, but now i wish i can choose again.

I learned another lesson, never go back to your safe place. Never ever ever turn back to where you was happy and the sun was shining and you see the lights in the people's eyes, feeling the fire in your heart. Because it is never ever ever about the place, it was all about the moment. It was a point in time when you feel happy, that's why everything around you is beautiful and you feel like you are being alive and not just breathing, and in reality, the people, the place, the thing you find "safe" might not even be as half amazing as you thought it was.

I hated my life in Singapore, I hated it bad. Everyday i wake up i feel like killing myself. Every night i went to bed, knowing tomorrow will be exactly the same, and the night got longer when i can't sleep. I day dream about my life back in Ha Noi before I was forced to moved, how in love I was with everything: dancing, photos, best friends, even food. I long for the day I can come back to the place where i was once belong.

So I worked hard. I work and work and work. I work to buy a house, I work for the moving out money, I work so I can take care of myself, have a career, to achieve things, to prove to myself that I can survive this shit. I tell myself "tough time doesn't last but a tough girl does". I count the day in the calender until I can get on a plane and never look back.

And I did it, I got out. So what?

Silly me, thinking that she is going to be so happy sitting on that plan. Silly me, thinking everything is going to change. Silly me, thinking that everything is going to be alright.

My emotions when i sit on that plane was just overwhelming, Not particularly good or bad, it was just simply confusing, overwhelming confusions.

Not long after I have achieved to where I want to achieve, have a career, have my own house, I realized yet again, this is not going to make me happy. Sleeping in a bed i picked out in a house i bought after years of hard work, with friends all around smiling and cuddling me, I still wake up every morning feeling like killing myself and go to bed everynight knowing tomorrow will be exactly the same, and the night got longer  when i can't sleep.

What went wrong?

Oh dear, the thing you wished them to be, they shall never be. I crave my safe place, I crave "that moment", but with the sun gone down and the light went out that day, they have gone away forever. Friends are not the same. City is not the same. Even the comfy bed wasn't in the right shape I wanted it to be.

Long story short, I built up a dream life thinking I can achieve it if I work hard, try my best, hold on a little longer. Long story ended, dreaming is still just dreaming. Another same old cliche story of how you stay the same but everything else changed.

I feel exactly the same living in my dreamland and living in Singapore. Sad, depressed, suicidal. Again, same old same old. But at least in Singapore, I have things to look forward to. I keep myself busy, I went out do everything that I am supposed to do , I have a life in motion I needed to catch up on. I wanted to have everything. But once I have it, I am completely lost. My whole life, I took pride in myself for always knowing exactly who I am and what I want, but now I no longer have a clue. "Peaked". I got to where I want, I got what I want, I have what I deserve. But I don't want to be here, I don't want it, I don't have it in me anymore. And I am clueless of where I want to be, what I want to have, and what do I deserve, right at this damn moment.

Oh wait, may be I do know what I deserve. Banging my head to the wall till i'm numb, till i can finally fall asleep without the need to dream of a better place

7 comments:

  1. Girl, I totally understand what you meant, I was in exactly the same position last year, live was looking great, I'm where I want to be and yet I was to unhappy to the point of being suicidal, I decided to see a therapist just to talk about the things that has happened to me and hoping it'll help because I was so sick and tired of feeling terrible. And it did help, I slowly realized that I was depressed and somehow (I still can't figure out how) the therapy helped, maybe you should see somebody too girl. Don't let you pride get in the way of asking for help from professional that can actually help you out. Sending you positive energy and best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think u should live in Sing, cause you know who you are, know you'll have to do, know some things make you happy , you love your jobs more than you think . Hanoi is a great place but it's not good for your jobs , you still so young and you have work, work and you will remorseless about all things you do. Hope u can choose a best way you liked !

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi mai nhi. i hope you don't see your situation as a dead end, i hope you see it as a sharp turn. This could be the time of your life where things start to change in a huge way. It is up to you to decide whether you are going to make your life GOOD or BAD/SAD. You have the power. Think of your blessings. You have friends, you're born with a good-looking face, people want to hire you for jobs, you can dance, you can write well, and so many other things which I don't know about. But you know. Remind yourself of these GREAT things, let yourself be happy about them. I want you to stay optimistic and continue searching for meaning to this new chapter of your life. Let's not look back in the past. Past is over. Now lets find a new hobby, a new purpose in life. Everyday tell yourself that you will make this day a good day because you ARE a capable, powerful woman. And it's ok to fail. You know what? You may have failed the "test", but you are NOT a failure. You can do it. You are not alone, you have fans and friends who are with you and support you always, even as they struggle with their own lives. Cos we know you can make it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dark before the Dawn
    Happiness won't come when you want it but you've worked hard so it will come

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your story is so gatsby-esque! Sometimes a dream is just a dream and a memory will always be a memory that you will have to remind yourself is in the past. Try focusing only on the present though. Try to live with a little bit more happiness everyday, it's the baby steps. You'll get there!

    All the love x

    ReplyDelete
  6. try this- it helped me a lot when i was in a dark mad place i didn't want to be:

    "decide it will be a good day every morning and every night, live in the small beautiful moments, because that can sometimes be enough if you convince yourself of it". yeah i know- it sounded futile when I first read it too: "convincing yourself? whats that all about?", but I managed to draw some inspiration on it, and maybe you can as well <3 <3

    sending all the good vibes yo'

    ReplyDelete
  7. in my case, very simple things like watching skins, listening to Skrillex, and working out turned me into a NOT emo person first time in my life! idk maybe ur right, it was the moments, me being a student with stipends and away from family. thinking of moving away from here when i get money.
    and thanks for telling me my future. i dont actually plan things and have an exact dream or goal to strive for. so here we are.

    ReplyDelete