It was bad. So bad. Earlier in the week I was crushed from being turned down for a job deal because I was too "fat and buff". I failed in a dance competition to my junior. I went to work 3 days in a row and everytime I hold the camera up it starts to rain. So many things I could name, but you get the idea, I am a fucking loser.
After I ran away from home, I realized something. I wasn't running away from home, I am trying to run away from my past, because it is too painful it makes my future dull. But I also realized I can't. My past is me, and I am my past, we are the same just in different time; and just like the fact I hate myself but I just have to deal with it, I have to make peace with this too. But I can't. It was too painful.
May be the universe thought my life wasn't bad enough, I found out today that an old sickness of mine came back. I don't want to spell it out loud, but it is a lung problem that makes me so weak I can't dance or climb stairs. Treatment takes time and money, both of which I do not have.
My mother closed down our house business, which was our source of income because she told me I disappoint her so much. She also sold the house which I been living in my whole life. I don't even know what to say after that. So now not only I am broke,but also is my family. Not I have nothing, we have nothing. May be we even have less than nothing, we have debt. Debt of love, and debt of money, dept of pride and dept of freedom. We are the unforgivable. We hate each other but we sticks together and everyday we wake up we sink our ship a little lower.
Only if I can find away to disappear completely. Not death, death is too painful for both the goers and the stayers. I mean disappeared. May be I can fold myself so many times I become tinier and tinier and finally vanish into thin air. Memory erased, sadness begone, one morning I wake up but I don't because I just don't exist. That will be so good, that will be peaceful. But there is no such things as you leaving the world without leaving scars, and the only reason I stayed back here on the real hell is because I still have some people who needs me. Tell me how can I cope with so much pain inside and out, I don't know how I am restless.
Look at me, I am shiny, I am Plaaastic. I am the cold hard shit I don't give a fuck. I don't love I don't forgive and I always looks brand new out of perfection. But fuck, do you see this? Do you see I am broken into pieces I have nothing? Inside this rotted cage is a rotted soul. No money, no home. No love, no family. No future, no potential. I have nothing I am nothing.