I’m not ready to come home.
I think my heart have known the truth far long before my brain can form it into thoughts.I have known the truth before it hits me, sharp, cold and silently. I have known the truth and fragile of me has made a plan in the back of my mind, to run away again. I.am.not.ready.to.come.home.
It is outrageously sad. You see, I hate my life in Singapore so much, I was barely living. The memory of my life back in Vietnam is the fuel I burn to live through days and days of loneliness, warming up my soul with the ghost laughter of my loved ones. But the more I seek to see that, the more I lose it. Every single time I come back home, friends got a little farther away, caught up with their life, and I forever stuck like a branch in the dam while the water keep flowing, fall down, never go back.
It happened slowly, carefully, yet fast. 5 years gone by, just like that. I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t except it until it breaks and I fall.
My loved one loves me too, and I know that. But that love is the love when you welcome someone back, get in touch, have some gathering, and then you move on and get back into your life. I am now a stranger in my own land, unable to understand my own veins.
Beside the love that thirsty I needed, there are a million reasons keep screaming the truth at me. My home doesn’t have the job that I crave, doesn’t have the land for me to grow, basically whatever I build, I have to throw it all away if I come back. I worked too hard for that, and I am not the type to give up so easy.
The more people said : “Come back home, get an easy job in an office, get married, hang out with us on the weekend”, the more I want to scream. Fuck no that’s not me. Fuck.
The minds of the people here are too clouded with traditional. Take care of your family, even for the people who you never met before. Forget about what you want, think about the money you need. Whatever you do is for family pride. Fuck that shit I hate that shit.
And it is so scary when a friend of mind, who is an artist, told me that “you are a girl, why do you do that?”. Yesterday a newspaper published a news report about woman growing out armpit hair, and I thought “finally some feminism in the Vietnam’s media”. After that, my friends on facebook share that news with caption like “ew”, “wtf”, “why do they do that” and shit. I realize the concept of feminism and all other believes of mine are too far away from their mind. From simple things like fashion, photography, to Wiccan culture, Satanism, religions I study, I have no one to talk to. Beside my four walls and the Internet. Which is exactly like in Singapore.
What am I supposed to do now, when the plan, the reason I long for no longer exists. There are 26 letters in the alphabet, but I only have plan A… I have 6 months to figure my shits out, and it scared me every second the clock is ticking.