2.3.14

So something happened.

Well, what is the surprise now isn't ? something always happened with me.
It started last week. Last weekend, I had a huge opportunity. I was, my biggest chance so far, to prove my self. I can't really tell what it is, but it was THAT important. And, above that, my competitor was one of the person that I would kill myself at this moment if she died as well. I hated her. She screwed my friends and families, literally, and still act like a fake bitch running around wishing everyone good luck. I was against her, I did my best, and guess what, I failed.

Did my best was not the right word. Because I did BETTER, that's the point and I know it. Loves one told me I wasn't being fairly judged, and I leave that as a question mark, because I am doubting myself more than ever.

And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, things started to change. Good things started to happen. Brands starting to contact me for sponsors. I got a photography deal. My loves one are doing great. Everything, at once, turned out so fine. As I have written here a million times, and I will write again, I am the God of Bad Luck. You have not feel bad luck, until you have meet me. I am the type when I go out, it started to rain, I will missed the bus, trip and fall, late to school, missed the exam, spills the food on my white dress and almost got hit by a car, and it all can just happen in one hour. You imagine, I live like that for my whole life. Nobody has worst luck then me. I didn't even win rock paper scissor once in my life. And yet, suddenly this week, it all turned out so fine. It is crazy, it is overwhelming, because I am frozen so the smallest little sunshine can make me melt.

And then guest what guest what guest what.

Today, I have the chance to prove my self the SECOND TIME in two weeks. And against those I hate so much as well. I have promise to myself, I rather die then being worst in my work then the one I hate. And today I really thought I was on fire. I did the best ever. Everyone was cheering me like mad, I thought I got it.

But hell no, God just have to let me fail, again.

Being failed is one thing, I can deal with that. But fail to the one you have been thinking your whole life, that you are better, changes everything. You will starts to self doubt. You will think what the hell is wrong with you. You will think you will never get it right again.

I thought I will get a mental breakdown. I tried so hard, God knows I know. But I have asked this questions, a million times as well, and now I ask it again. What do you do, when your best is just not enough? Not enough to live, not even enough to die.

I thought I will go home and fallen into pieces again. I thought that hole in my chest will finally swallowed me inside. But you know what happen? Nothing. Nothing at all. And then it hit me, I realized why. Because this pain is too familiar, my body and my mind accept it gladly like a lost child, while it was once a foreign body. I feel nothing, I feel numb. I can't speak a word, and my mind goes blank. I spent the night staring at the ceiling, wondering nothing.

It is so scary, this feeling. I have glad I don't feel rock bottom, and I am half scared because I don't feel rock bottom. What happen if nothing can bring me down anymore? Nothing can bring me up anymore. What happen if I am for once not sad? I will never be fully happy again.

You think "what is the big deal? pick yourself up and running again" right? That's what I told myself for the 100th time too. Now nothing can be able to speak about my ability or my fate anymore. When will life stop joking with me? Probably never, I am too amusing.

I am going back home, at the end of the year. I complete my study at the end of the year, and I no longer have to stay in this hell. But I am scared to go back. There are so many reasons for that fear, but the biggest is I come back empty handed. I didn't prove my self at all. My parents will start pointing finger, give me that
"you are useless" face, and find me a job in a company where all my family works. It's like that, I am dead at 20 years old.

That's why I am so ambitious, that's why I worked so hard. That's why I push my self to the none-limit. That's why I praise I am not sleeping until I am the best. I don't want popularity, I want to be recognized. I want people who I care about see the ability in me, and not just a rich kid now in a fallen family. I want to prove to myself I am better than that. But it is all so far away now. Once again, I am in the middle of nowhere.

I asked, please get me an answer. What do you do when your best isn't enough?

4 comments:

  1. Somehow I can relate to what you have written here because I used to have a classmate that cheated and everything what she did, bragging about how cool she is. When the whole time I was a fair player, suddenly I felt bad with my work since it wasn't that effective as her tricks. I gave up being the best because it wasn't important to me although she really started to see me as her competitor and put a lot of effort to break me down. She was my friend when we started the school and when we ended, I wanted to contact Jigoku Shoujo. Stay strong babe and focus on positivity, keep on working to be the best you. The results will come.

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    1. i really feel you.. like people sometimes are just the "lucky one, blessed one", while they cheat and uses their way to get into success.. while the real hard working people sucks hard :( There is nothing I can do accept keep on doing my best, because I just can't be the cheating person, that's not who I am. It is sad and funny at the same times, how things usually work. thanks baby for the comment, i feel so much better when somebody actually knows what i am talking about... I will just hope for the best, while doing my best... I know that's the right thing to do, it is just I am too upset right now.

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    2. You might be better now since this was weeks ago, but if you ever feel like this again just remember you are awesome. You have people that look up to you and think you're amazing. It doesn't matter what people who lie and heat do because you can have the worst luck ever but in the end be rewarded for staying true (cliche I know) and sticking to your morals. I'm impossibly trying to get out of this cycle of my best never being enough but it's hard. I just remember that I can do anything, literally anything and when my best is not enough I just have to make it better, even if it means pushing myself where I've never been.

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  2. Hi Plaaastic!
    TBH this is my first time browsing through your blog (though I had been your follower elsewhere and being a fan of your style) and I happened to spot on this post and read it. I deeply related to this especially the part when you mentioned about family. As for me, I do not come from a rich family, but more like I have uneducated parents who can be quite impulsive(violent) which do not understand why I'm trying so hard to pursue further in career that I wanted so badly instead of settling with a job of what my diploma had provided me, like an typical traditional chinese family. Also when you mentioned about being caught in the rain and having badly luck, yeah I totally understand that. It's like when life hits me on my lowest point, I have friends turning their back at me, whom I used to thought I can trust, then more and more worst stuff come along that no normal person can imagine it. Even at one point, I was so broken till I had depression. But at the end of the road, it somehow makes me stronger, and I believe same goes for you :) There always seems to be a light at the end of the road no matter how shitty things are. Sometimes simple things like having supportive friends really helps me get through my shittest day. I moved away from friends that backstabbed me to people that will be there to lift me up when I'm down and right now I'm working hard to get out of this chaotic house. Sometime if we do our best to prove to others, things will somehow go wrong and when we do not get the appreciation that we wanted in our heart, we will be hurt badly. Doing my recovery, I learnt that we should spare a thought for ourselves and do our best for ourselves so when things goes wrong or did not succeed, we know that in our heart we are winners and will try better the next time.
    Anyways I wish you good luck on your future endeavour in Australia and I look forward to more updates from your!

    P.S. You wrote this post on the memorial date of my beloved late granny, which is 3 days before my birthday. And I believe something good will happen :)

    Plaaastic you are awesome! Certainly not a jinx <3

    Love
    JESSTHEGRRL

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