Well, what is the surprise now isn't ? something always happened with me.
It started last week. Last weekend, I had a huge opportunity. I was, my biggest chance so far, to prove my self. I can't really tell what it is, but it was THAT important. And, above that, my competitor was one of the person that I would kill myself at this moment if she died as well. I hated her. She screwed my friends and families, literally, and still act like a fake bitch running around wishing everyone good luck. I was against her, I did my best, and guess what, I failed.
Did my best was not the right word. Because I did BETTER, that's the point and I know it. Loves one told me I wasn't being fairly judged, and I leave that as a question mark, because I am doubting myself more than ever.
And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, things started to change. Good things started to happen. Brands starting to contact me for sponsors. I got a photography deal. My loves one are doing great. Everything, at once, turned out so fine. As I have written here a million times, and I will write again, I am the God of Bad Luck. You have not feel bad luck, until you have meet me. I am the type when I go out, it started to rain, I will missed the bus, trip and fall, late to school, missed the exam, spills the food on my white dress and almost got hit by a car, and it all can just happen in one hour. You imagine, I live like that for my whole life. Nobody has worst luck then me. I didn't even win rock paper scissor once in my life. And yet, suddenly this week, it all turned out so fine. It is crazy, it is overwhelming, because I am frozen so the smallest little sunshine can make me melt.
And then guest what guest what guest what.
Today, I have the chance to prove my self the SECOND TIME in two weeks. And against those I hate so much as well. I have promise to myself, I rather die then being worst in my work then the one I hate. And today I really thought I was on fire. I did the best ever. Everyone was cheering me like mad, I thought I got it.
But hell no, God just have to let me fail, again.
Being failed is one thing, I can deal with that. But fail to the one you have been thinking your whole life, that you are better, changes everything. You will starts to self doubt. You will think what the hell is wrong with you. You will think you will never get it right again.
I thought I will get a mental breakdown. I tried so hard, God knows I know. But I have asked this questions, a million times as well, and now I ask it again. What do you do, when your best is just not enough? Not enough to live, not even enough to die.
I thought I will go home and fallen into pieces again. I thought that hole in my chest will finally swallowed me inside. But you know what happen? Nothing. Nothing at all. And then it hit me, I realized why. Because this pain is too familiar, my body and my mind accept it gladly like a lost child, while it was once a foreign body. I feel nothing, I feel numb. I can't speak a word, and my mind goes blank. I spent the night staring at the ceiling, wondering nothing.
It is so scary, this feeling. I have glad I don't feel rock bottom, and I am half scared because I don't feel rock bottom. What happen if nothing can bring me down anymore? Nothing can bring me up anymore. What happen if I am for once not sad? I will never be fully happy again.
You think "what is the big deal? pick yourself up and running again" right? That's what I told myself for the 100th time too. Now nothing can be able to speak about my ability or my fate anymore. When will life stop joking with me? Probably never, I am too amusing.
I am going back home, at the end of the year. I complete my study at the end of the year, and I no longer have to stay in this hell. But I am scared to go back. There are so many reasons for that fear, but the biggest is I come back empty handed. I didn't prove my self at all. My parents will start pointing finger, give me that
"you are useless" face, and find me a job in a company where all my family works. It's like that, I am dead at 20 years old.
That's why I am so ambitious, that's why I worked so hard. That's why I push my self to the none-limit. That's why I praise I am not sleeping until I am the best. I don't want popularity, I want to be recognized. I want people who I care about see the ability in me, and not just a rich kid now in a fallen family. I want to prove to myself I am better than that. But it is all so far away now. Once again, I am in the middle of nowhere.
I asked, please get me an answer. What do you do when your best isn't enough?