So lately many things have changed.. or I have changed, i don't know. Around 2 weeks ago, I have this crazy mental break down and I hide in my room sobbing for 2 days in a row. At the end of it, I realized nobody gonna come and pick me up, so I better just stop. You know when you was a baby, and you cry for attention until someone come and give you a candy, a kiss, carry you up till you smile again? I realized that ain't gonna happen now, i'm all alone. It was the obvious truth, but it hit me hard, and I went out to get my self some candy.
I remember I was crying on my last day being 17 because I don't want to be 18. I'm gonna be 20 in a few months, and I really not sure how I feel about that? All i am known for is being young, or for doing stuff while being young. Take that away from me, what do I have left?
I read somewhere online that when you reach 20 years old, things changed because the expectation from people to you changed. Like they think you will grow up, get a job, grow some beard, I don't know? And you are just a year older, you don't know what to do, and eventually being pushed by the stream of society. I am not scared by that idea, I am scared because I won't know what will happen until I eventually been through it. 20 years old ?? It sounds so scary gosh.
Lately, I achieved some small success that makes me really happy. Like a lot of brand starting to notice me, they want to work with me, I have found myself again in dancing, and my instagram is now having 10k followers! I know it is not much, but it is something to me, it assures me I am doing the right thing because I am feeling so happy :) But more importantly, I have found some internet friends that I thought doesn't actually exist and it's amazing how it happened!
There is this beautiful girl I have been stalking online for so long, and she told me she want to work with me. People who I only admire from the other side of the earth starting to tell me they admire me. And I am like what?? how did this all happen? I am screaming with happiness from the inside!
Yesterday, I posted this picture about me being upset, that I do not have a happy life in Singapore and I have no friends, and I was literally having teary eyes when I read the comment. They told me that they will be my friends, don't be upset, that I am beautiful.. and I just.. I just don't know how to respond back. I know that I am so thankful because I am loved, and I couldn't have gone so far without their support.
The truth is, I really do not have a single friend in Singapore. I am having a 2 weeks break from school, and I stay at home every single day eating delivery food. I have not been talking for so long, and I chose to be this way. The reason is everything I want to find, I can't find it in Singapore.
Back home in Vietnam, 4 years ago, I was having the best years of my life. I have so many lovely, awesome, crazy friends that I never get upset. I don't even go home, and there was times I slept outside for months just to hang with my friends. I was popular, socialized, and I was friendly. I had an awesome job, I work as an MC for a small theater, and I dance all the time. I smile in every picture I found of myself in that years.
In Singapore, everything changed. I do not like the lifestyle of the people who live here ( or at least, the people who live here that I know ). Too fake, too materialistic, back-stab and all kind of toxic.. And I am the type who rather do not have a single friend than having toxic people in my life. Slowly, I pull myself back. Slowly, I lost my self. And one day I woke up, I found myself all alone, that's how I live right now. Friends back home don't have a clue what i'm dealing with, they love me but they don't know how to help me, because even I can't help my self
Around a week ago, I was going shopping, and I went into Topshop near my house. A sale girl approach me and ask: "hey, are you Plaaastic? it's an honor to meet you!!". Guess what I did? I stunt there like an idiot, smiling and have no idea what to say. It shocked me to realized I have lost my ability to socialize, I was getting too comfortable with myself. I was an MC for god sake, and now I can't even talk anymore!!
Once not long ago, I walked in 2 Singaporean dancers talking shit about me behind my back: "who is she think she is? walk around not saying hi to everyone? and what's up with that bitchy face??". Excuse me, but that's just who I am, and that's just how my face looks like. I do not talk for the sake of talking, I talk when I want to. Who are you to tell me how to smile?
Every single day I walked around single with the face of "cranky and bitchy" like my 2 dear fake friend stated. I got angry with everything. But when I am online, and people care about me, they give me compliment, I become the softest person alive.. You know when you are living in a society of fakeness, you turned out to distrust everyone, you never know do they really want to be your friend or they want to take something from you. However, when it is anonymous, it is online, they do not have any reason to compliment you, but they did, and that is something real to me.
How funny, when what you think real is fake, and what supposed to be fake turned out to be real? Truly everything is not what it seems.
The "real" people here, there was once I was told to : "get a life, instead of sitting in front of the computer all day". I walked a way, because I know what is real to me may not be real to you, and I respect your way of thinking, but at the same time I don't give a damn.
I am learning to let go, I am learning to be the better person than I am yesterday. I promise to be strong, and I know what I am supposed to do. I know that I am loved, and that's enough for me, even though I don't know who "you" are, what "you" do, where "you" from. Love is enough.
I will be fine, I promise.