31.12.13

Sadness. Depression and Me

So well, it is already the end of 2013. I'm writing this 3 hours before heading to Vegas for New Years Eve. I can't sleep although I'm dead tired, my restless body and restless soul needs help. And I meant it.

It is 2014, and before I shared with you my greatest desire in this new year, I want to share with you a part of me that I have never written on this blog before. I thought that with if I start being honest with myself, it may actually get better, and I'm praying hard.

Firstly, about my past. I was born in a family which is considered well in Vietnam. I was well taken care off and I never worry about money at all until I moved to Singapore.

But if it that is all, there will be no story isn't it? Everybody loves and await a tragic life.

I was abused my whole childhood. Physically and mentally. My mother was hysterical, and I lived in fear, while my father sit down quietly and watch me sobbing tills my lung crack. Also, they was kind of famous and I have to live in the high expectation, shadowed live without even knowing it.

If that wasn't enough, they tried to cover it up with money. I got more and I ever need, and I always get what I wanted. So people say I was the lucky one, never have to worry about a thing in my life

Was that the tragedy life that you wanted? Do I sound more "poetic" now?

But when I was in my teenage year, everything actually turned out great. I started dancing, doing photography, I found the best people in my life who I can be my self, share everything with and stick with them 24.7 without running out things to talk about. I was well traveled, in love with life and I thought finally this turned out right.

Little did I know, my family sent me to Singapore when I was 15 because they think the fact that I want to drop out of school and be and artist is shameful.

And that's how it has all started.

I was lost. I didn't fit in at the moment I stepped in that country, and I knew it. I struggled. I hate my school. I hate the weather. I hate the food. I hate everyone. But everyone said it was just a "rough start", and finally I will get the hand of it.

The only hang I got is the time I tried to hang myself.

I tried so hard, god knows. I learned to speak English like a perfect local. I opened a shop where I can share my passion in fashion. I travel even more. I found someone so special that words can't even explain. I dance dance dance. I smile, I study hard. I do charity. I want to be the best of me. I talked to my old friends in Vietnam about my new life, trying to stay connected. I even try to make peace with my family.

But it only get worse.

I started out feeling sick. Every morning, I woke up, and I left the blanket covered my eyes for hour, because I know as soon as I got out of bed, I am swimming in problem. I was so lonely. Everything was stressing me out. I live with the worse headache which lasted weeks, that no medicine could help. I lost my passion in things, and I feel so uninspired I could not pick my camera up and take a picture. Friends separated by distance, eventually felt apart. I could not tell them what happened to me anymore, because all I did is stare at the empty walls in my room for hours and hours.

So I tried harder.I dance more. I studied harder. I opened a blog. I do more charity , more travel, more everything "good vibes".

God knows it get even worse even though you thought you have reached rock bottomed.

From the spinning headache, it came the sickness. I was sick all the time, and I was a perfectly healthy athletic body. But I even feel sicker from the inside. I smile hard when anyone said it was just "a rough path". I pretend I didn't hear it when my parent said "it just a phase". But the truth is I want to kill. I want to kill everyone and myself. I got nightmares so bad I woke up at night screaming. I got addicted to sleeping pills. I lock myself in the room for days because I didn't want to talk to anyone. I tried hard to stop myself from feeling disgust and puke out everything I ate because I hated my life.

I know I tried. I know I live well. But what you didn't know that, you can't live positively if you feel how I feel, because there is nothing bright in my life. Wasted youth, sicked youth. The more I tried, the more hollowed I felt. I got tired from life, and I just wanted an eternal sleep. I started to write suicide notes, imagine about my death, while smiling and sitting in class everyday.

At first, when I traveled, it got a little bit better. New place, new people, and I developed some hope. But eventually that tiny piece left of old me worn out as well. Nothing helps anymore. Sadness grows out to be a part of me, like my bone structure, like the blood in my vein.

From my diary, earlier this year:
"I know that I'm dying. I felt it coming. It is so clear, and so surprisingly pleasant. May be you wasn't supposed to be scared anymore, when all you have left is sadness, and going away is what has finally have to come. I did tried, I know it, I tried hard. May be is okay to take a little sleep, even though it is longer than most sleep."

People sicken me. Every who say " just try a little harder, give it a little bit more, its gonna be over soon". I just want to scream in their fucking face. I grow out bitter, and I talked less and less. A long time ago, I was so talkative, everybody was complaining about it. A long time ago, I was the one that bring the friends together, open , nice and friendly. Now, i'm just a broken piece, a shadow of what used to be me.


I am sad
I am bitter
I am angry
About mostly everything in life

And again again again I tried
I did my best
Isn't it sad
That you did all that you can do
But you are still
You

All I now wanted
All that now can save me
Is to be happy
Which, is fucking unreal

2 comments:

  1. So beautiful and tragic. I hope 2014 is going well for you and that you find happiness within yourself. Remember to Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive. <3

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