It has been a long time since i write something up here. And I wish that it is because I am happy right now, so I am more focused in the "real" life, instead of my online life, but actually, it turned out to be the direct opposite. I am feeling worse, and worse, sinking deeper and deeper into whatever this emotion called. Apparently there is no such thing as "rock bottom", life is an endless black hole that spin you right into the middle of pure shittiness, testing your body tolerance to the pain it can takes inside out, upgrading the level everytime you feel like you finally got the hang of this.
I finally have to admit, moving out of Singapore and moving back to Ha Noi, was probably one of the worst thing I have ever done to myself. So ironic, because Ha Noi is the city I love so much and i used to despite living in Singapore, but now i wish i can choose again.
I learned another lesson, never go back to your safe place. Never ever ever turn back to where you was happy and the sun was shining and you see the lights in the people's eyes, feeling the fire in your heart. Because it is never ever ever about the place, it was all about the moment. It was a point in time when you feel happy, that's why everything around you is beautiful and you feel like you are being alive and not just breathing, and in reality, the people, the place, the thing you find "safe" might not even be as half amazing as you thought it was.
I hated my life in Singapore, I hated it bad. Everyday i wake up i feel like killing myself. Every night i went to bed, knowing tomorrow will be exactly the same, and the night got longer when i can't sleep. I day dream about my life back in Ha Noi before I was forced to moved, how in love I was with everything: dancing, photos, best friends, even food. I long for the day I can come back to the place where i was once belong.
So I worked hard. I work and work and work. I work to buy a house, I work for the moving out money, I work so I can take care of myself, have a career, to achieve things, to prove to myself that I can survive this shit. I tell myself "tough time doesn't last but a tough girl does". I count the day in the calender until I can get on a plane and never look back.
And I did it, I got out. So what?
Silly me, thinking that she is going to be so happy sitting on that plan. Silly me, thinking everything is going to change. Silly me, thinking that everything is going to be alright.
My emotions when i sit on that plane was just overwhelming, Not particularly good or bad, it was just simply confusing, overwhelming confusions.
Not long after I have achieved to where I want to achieve, have a career, have my own house, I realized yet again, this is not going to make me happy. Sleeping in a bed i picked out in a house i bought after years of hard work, with friends all around smiling and cuddling me, I still wake up every morning feeling like killing myself and go to bed everynight knowing tomorrow will be exactly the same, and the night got longer when i can't sleep.
What went wrong?
Oh dear, the thing you wished them to be, they shall never be. I crave my safe place, I crave "that moment", but with the sun gone down and the light went out that day, they have gone away forever. Friends are not the same. City is not the same. Even the comfy bed wasn't in the right shape I wanted it to be.
Long story short, I built up a dream life thinking I can achieve it if I work hard, try my best, hold on a little longer. Long story ended, dreaming is still just dreaming. Another same old cliche story of how you stay the same but everything else changed.
I feel exactly the same living in my dreamland and living in Singapore. Sad, depressed, suicidal. Again, same old same old. But at least in Singapore, I have things to look forward to. I keep myself busy, I went out do everything that I am supposed to do , I have a life in motion I needed to catch up on. I wanted to have everything. But once I have it, I am completely lost. My whole life, I took pride in myself for always knowing exactly who I am and what I want, but now I no longer have a clue. "Peaked". I got to where I want, I got what I want, I have what I deserve. But I don't want to be here, I don't want it, I don't have it in me anymore. And I am clueless of where I want to be, what I want to have, and what do I deserve, right at this damn moment.
Oh wait, may be I do know what I deserve. Banging my head to the wall till i'm numb, till i can finally fall asleep without the need to dream of a better place