1. This post is going to be terribly long
2. I will be talking about my past eating disorders and other related stuff to the subject, so if you are not comfortable reading this, please don't
2014 is literally the year. I have had so many changes in my life in 2014, if you meet me a year ago, I am probably not the same person. I bought a house, I am moving out of Singapore, my blog is finally where I want it to be, and my life style changes so much. I have no idea why, but one of the posts that I got demanded the most is my diet / eating plan, and I was hesitating to do it because I just want to focus on my work, and keep my life away as much as possible. But over the time, I do have a lot of girls contacting me, telling me that they have decided to recover from eating disorders, because they read about my story. I am not going lie or exaggerate, I cry every single time. And believe me on this I am NOT a softy. But it is just so amazing to hear that I can actually influence others to make such a change in their life, and it is so wild, it is more than anything I would ever expected or imagine when I shared my story. Because of that, I feel the need to share more about my life style right now when I have completely recovered, with the most important change I have ever had in my life: I am going cruelty-free.
I have to talk about my history of eating for a little bit, so you can imagine how much of a change it was for me. My entire life, up until half a year ago, I was a carnivore. And not even the normal healthy eating type of carnivore, I was THE worst. If you think that you are or you know someone who has a worst eating habit than I do, you are probably wrong. My diet only contain sugar, meat, and that's it. I DO NOT touch anything that has green colour on it. No fruits, no vegetable, nothing at all, not even one bite. I wasn't one of those girl who eating a normal size meal with normal food, I was the extreme. I been living alone since I was 15 and I support my self with multiple jobs while juggling with school, so this was my diet:
1. Breakfast: nothing.
2. Lunch: Mac Donald.
3. Dinner: KFC
Snack: Potato chips, cheese sticks, oreos, kinder bueno, sugar drinks, milk tea, basically every single thing you can found a convenient store.
Weekend? Pizza buy one get one free. I eat both. For 2 meals a day, on Sat and Sun. That's 8 pizza a week. And not normal pizza. Double cheese extra meat pepperoni pizza with sausage crust with a bbq chicken wing side dish and molten chocolate cake for desert.
Imagine that, plus a million harmful thing I do to my body. Like smoking 2 pack a day and sleep 2 hours a day. I was literally the formula for heart attack.
If there is a bright side on my life toward the healthier living, it was my dancing. I am an athletic, I have been dancing since I was 12. So amazingly, despite the fact that was my diet, I was in the normal weight range. I dance 3 or more time every week, I am very active with my work, and I walk instead of taking bus.
But was I healthy? Hell no
I got sick very easily, I was tired all the time, my face and body are full of pimples, I visit the hospital sometimes up to twice a week.
I wanted to be better, but I give myself excuses all the time. I am busy, I live alone, I can't afford better, I don't know how to cook..etc. Until a turning point of my life - for the worse.
My depression, which has always been around, got over me, got total control of me. I fall out with life, it was just that simple. Everything turned up side down. I did not step out of my house any more, I stay inside, mashing stuff, feeling out of control, and I eat EVERYTHING. I was eating my feeling away, and it wasn't the type that you get a tube of ice cream when you have a break up. It was compulsive overeating, it was something like 35000 calories in a day. Yes it was that much. I couldn't stop. It wasn't even frequent episodes of uncontrollable eating, it was everyday, that's all I do. eat, eat,eat. I eat till I couldn't breath. In just over a month, I got to the overweight range, and I was diagnosed with BED - Binge Eating Disorder
I was binging with my already terrible eating habit, and I wasn't going out anymore, so I don't exercise, do anything, or even shower. I was just thinking that I am a disgusting loaf, and there is no fixing now, so fuck that, I am eating until I die.
And then it got worse.
It started when I realized I have come into an overweight range. I bothers me when I see mirrors, scale, or when I happen to see people who I know before, commenting on me "putting on a little weight". Some even make fun of me, calling me names, bullying me. Fair enough to say, they didn't know about my depression or my diagnosed for BED, but still, that was enough. It was my trigger. From my BED, i become a bulimic.
People making fun of me and me gaining weight even caused me more stress, and I got even more depressed, when I didn't know how was that even possible. So i tried "making up for it". I purge. I purge every single thing I eat. This episode of my life lasted long, this binge and purge cycle was what destroyed my health completely. I got back to the normal weight range, slightly skinny, and that alone was enough. I tell myself it is ok to binge, as long as it is not making you fat. I was living a normal life again, going out, working, just simply adding on the purge. I didn't even know it was called bulimic, I thought that it was just me. I was obsessed: all i can think about is food, i couldn't focus on any other thing, and purging was like a drug. Like every drug there is, the feeling of satisfaction comes with a cause: My health got to the lowest point of my life, my hair was falling out, my teeth blackened. I couldn't bend down anymore because my food would come up. I was terrified, and I finally realized that I am dying, after I fainted in the shower, covered in my own puke, with my hair in my hand and not my head.
That was the ending point for me. I stopped purging, and I self recover.
Only if it was that easy.
Recovering took years and years for me, with an incredible amount of work. I fall of the wagon sometimes, but then I slap myself in the face and stick to it. Gaining weight was terrifying, but I did it. It sounds so easy typing it out right now, like nothing has ever happened, but it.was.hell. I know heaven is real because I have been through hell.
After I have recovered, I find myself struggle with finding the healthy way to eat, the right diet, everything. I tried low carb, paleo, all kind of commercial diet, and still find nothing that's suitable and make a different in my health. But I try to eat as healthy as possible, being a teenager who works multiple job and unable to cook still.
Somewhere along the way of my blog, I get to know a girl online, her name was Jenny Mustard. She is an online store owner, and we just sort of add each other facebook and become friends. She was one of the most beautiful, talented, and incredible girl I know online, and she is a vegan. She posts a lot of recipes online for vegan/raw eating, and I was just randomly trying some out because they look so good. I was struggling with learning how to cook - try to imagine me googling "easy microwave healthy meal" every single night. And then I got hooked.
Stay with me on this. Even up until the point I was trying to eat healthy and totally recovered : I DID NOT LIKE VEGETABLE. I DID NOT EAT ANYTHING GREEN. I am a carnivore, I love steaks, sausage, meatballs. But I was so shocked when I actually try eating vegan food, and it was amazing. I start eating them more and more, and I feel good.
Somewhere along the way, I do a lot of research and found out about what I was really eating. I wasn't eating meat - I was eating corpse. I was putting dead bodies of creatures who love and feel into my body, and I enjoyed it. I didn't take long for me to gross out by the sight of meat, and I feel absolutely disgusted with the fact I actually liked meat before. So I went all out, I went all green.
I made a decision of going cruelty free - and I decided to do it slowly. I first went from carnivore - to pescetarian ( no meat , but seafood and dairy is allowed ), to vegetarian, which is where I am now. I have 2 reason for making changes this way:
1. I went from only knowing how to cook anything with the word "instant" on it, to microwave cooking, to actually beginner cooking. So I have to take my time in order to learn how to cook to adapt to a cruelty-free life style.
2. I need to find more information, sources, supplements and other cruelty-free living things beside food, because I need it to be a lifestyle, and not a diet. I am an athletic still, and it is important for me to get enough nutrition to dance, and I have to do it carefully with my already shitty health.
3. I need to be financially ready for it.
4. I need time to adjust changes into my social life, and work life. I am not even going to start how much I shocked my friends while I tell them I am not eating meat.
I am absolutely gross out by animal products by now - and only a few months into this, I can proudly call myself a vegetarian. Why not vegan? Because in Asia, it is fucking difficult becoming a vegan, and being me at the same time. I have to eat out like 5 times a week at least, and while vegetarian food are widely available everywhere, vegan food is not. They still put egg in fried rice, honey in desert, and milk in bakery.. etc. But I am trying to eat as much vegan as possible. This is a journey I am going on still, and I am happy that I am improving everyday.
Fun fact: I don't even like animals that much. Let me explain: I am not those type of people who run around and say they love animal more than human, and animals are better than human, and scream at everyone who is eating meat. I, honestly and simply think that, animal and human has no differences. Same flesh, same feeling, I do not put one above the other. That's why for me, it is WRONG to eat another living creature because you feel like it. Human are not higher than anything no matter how much we like to think that way. I like to tell my friends that I hate human and animal equally, so if I eat animal I shall eat you too when they are being an ass about my diet.
Beside the vegetarian lifestyle, I have adapted a specific diet: Raw till 4. I am in LOVE with Freelee the Banana Girl, and if you don't know who she is, she is a diet guru on youtube, who promote a high carb, vegan lifestyle which eat raw till dinner. Raw till 4 is her diet plan, and I make my own version of raw till 4 out of it, to fit my lifestyle.
So yes, after ALL that words you have been reading, THIS, is my diet and exercise plan. ( oups, sorry for the long wait).
I start every morning with a cup of lemon water. I normally wake up anywhere around 7-9 am. On an empty stomach, I do some very light exercise, or just simply stretching to start out my day, which normally doesn't last more than 10 mins
1. Breakfast: Vegan Liquid : Juice, Smoothie, Soy / Almond milk
I have no idea why but I just could not "eat" breakfast. My stomach got upset when I eat in the morning after I woke up, it has always been this way my whole life. Before I eat raw till 4, I used to skip breakfast, but now I know I have to eat more frequently on this diet, so I found a way - all liquid. Banana, Carrot, or vegetable blend is my fav for breakfast.
2. Lunch: Fruits meal or Raw Vegan meal
I will normally eat all fruits for this, whatever in the season that I can find for cheap, and I eat A LOT of them. If fruits are not an available option, I go for the usual salad or other raw vegan dishes.
3. Dinner: A normal cooked Vegetarian meal
Rice, pasta, sushi, so just like a normal dinner, vegetarian version
4. Snacking: This is where my actual eating occurs, actually. I eat through out the day, every hour or so, whenever I feel hungry. Fruits digest very fast, so this happen really often, and my snack are always huge. Before dinner, I snack only on fruits, and after dinner, I strictly snack on other vegan snacks like nuts, chips, celery etc.. ( I will link the original raw till 4 site below to explain why snacking like this is important)
I dance roughly 2-3 times a week, and on the night that I don't dance, I exercise
The reason why this diet works for me, is because I have a very active lifestyle, and this keep my energized through out the day. I normally don't go out to work and school until after lunch time, so I can eat and prepare my breakfast/ lunch at home. However, when I leave my house at lunch, I normally don't go back until midnight, and dinner will have to be eating out. That's why I eat vegan for breakfast and lunch, but vegetarian dishes eating out for dinner. After lunch I normally have school, shootings, meeting, so snacking is very possible in between, and I feel great eating all the time ( the big eater inside never die ). After dinner, I normally have dance training, which is very tiring, that's why it is good that my dinner is cooked and big, so I feel good exercising. This is why I called my diet an adaption of raw till 4, and not raw till 4, because I still eat out all the time, and I still eat a lot of process food. I still drink loads of coffee, soda, ( I know, it is terrible, I am cutting them down ). And the most important different between Freelee the Banana Girl original raw till 4 diet and mine, is I do not count calories. She said it is important you eat enough, and I understand that, but I am tired of eating numbers, after all those years with ED. She said if you have just got out of a restricted eating lifestyle, you may feel full when you eat little, but it is not enough, and I back that up 100%. But I was never restrictive anyway, and I believe in my body. If it feels like it needs to eat more, I will provide it with nutrition. I don't believe in stuffing myself anymore. It may take a while for the body to adapt in this lifestyle, and demand for more food ( because fruits are very low in calories) , but I rather feed my self every hour and eat when I am hungry than stuffing myself just to make up for the number. Listening to my body > listening to a nutritionist any day.
I feel like I have to add on a little: I am still adapting in, and I am aiming for fully vegan by the end of the year. I am still growing, changing, and still getting better. I still shamefully eat fries at Mc Donald after my dance training a few days ago when there is nothing else to eat. I drink so much coke it is terrible. But I refuse to see it negatively, I am changing and I am having spaces to grow, and that is good. As long as I am aiming for the better and stick to it, for me it doesn't matter how long it takes for me to get there, as long as I don't stop.
I have been eating like this for a few months, and I can tell you I have never felt any better. My health is jut like fuck yeah!! I am energized, I am satisfied, and I can see such a big difference in my body. I have no more pimples, lesser lose skin, I am never sick anymore, haven't got a flu since forever. I couldn't tell you how much I love eating like this, it is just life- changing. All the benefit I could have never ever I would get, now I do. The night mare of me vs eating is over, I finally found the balance I need, and I am truly happy. I still have so many shits going on with my health that I need to fix, like my insomnia ( I still sleep 2 hours everyday ), or my depression, but at least I am fighting them with a good health. I refuse to backdown now, I love what I am doing and i know it will only be getting better. Oh and have I told you I am quitting smoking too? :)
Link for the related that I talked about above:
Jenny Mustard ( for recipes, and for getting to know an amazing girl ):
- facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jenny.mustardx
- youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7fPf1yuGaYFmbxe0ZrshWw
- instagram: http://instagram.com/jennymustard
Freelee the Banana girl ( for more information on rawtill4 ) ( also she doesn't know I exist, but I loveee her )
- website: http://thebananagirl.com/
- youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/Freelea?hl=en-GB&gl=SG
Disclaimer: Nothing in this post is for advertising purpose. This is a personal post, and everything genuinely come from my heart. I am also not encouraging you to eat like I do, I found the diet that suits me the most, and please find something that works for you, I just hope that this could be a little inspiration. GO CRUELTY-FREE!! I truly believe that only you can help yourself, and by helping yourself, you are helping the universe. Think love!
p/s: Thank you for all of the emails guys, especially for the girls who have decided to recover from EDs. If you have an eating disorder and you no longer wish to, please believe in yourself as much as I believe in you. Ana or Mia is NOT your friend, I am, and I know you can do it. If you are waiting for a sign telling you that you can get better in life, this is it. I love you. Recover, do not give up.