24.6.16

Milan, Paris, St.Peterburgs, Moscow 25 May - 11 June 2016

Leaving Germany, finished my dance tour, on my train alone to Milan, i feel like I finally can breath. Hell yeah, all alone again, what ever right, really what fucking ever. I'm not getting any happier, but for sure, life was so much easier. Nobody around for me to disappoint anymore.


I was wrong, i was so wrong. You are not around people, doesn't mean you can't disappoint them.

One hell of a long story, but when I was in Germany, I somehow, took my husband's passport with me from Vietnam. i was supposed to go on my Germany dance tour, Milan, Paris, and then meet him in Moscow. I made one stupid mistake of taking the same handbag i wore on our wedding day, with his passport inside, to Germany...

I figured it out early, and i tried to send it back via mail, but then it gone missing somewhere in Germany. I was moving different cities every night, performing in a different theater everyday, having panic attacks in between, and tried to track down a tiny book all the time. Without the passport being sent back to Vietnam, my husband can not fly to Russia, can't meet me or his families who he hasn't seen in years, miss out on his brother's wedding ( which is why we decided to go to Russia in the first place ), and it's all my fault. Every day i tried, i tried, i tried, but every time he called me online, all i can say is i don't know, i don't know, i don't know what to do, but i did my best, please understand. Honestly, I have been in some deep shit before, but this time was the worst. It was the worst because it involves everyone. I was supposed to have work in Russia with Lena my best friend, my husband needs to be there for his family, I need to shoot photos for my best friend's brand in Moscow which he put so much money into.. long story short, just because of one stupid mistake, i ruined it for everyone

I went to Milan, Paris, eating risotto and visiting the Eiffel tower, all i can see everywhere is the mother fucking missing passport

I know it sounds ridiculous now as I am telling the story, but as that point of time, I honestly just want to run away and die. Not a single funny bit was found, I was just worried, horrified, and hating myself all the time.

At the same time, so many things happened back home. My best friend has relationship issue, another one was running away from home, and all they tell me is "please come back, please comeback", and I  either spend my time crying, or telling my friends "please don't cry". 

But also, in deep shit, I have learned something else. Sometimes, when there is nothing left to do, you need to give up. You have to let go. That's when the miracle happen

Something amazing happen, It wasn't an easy solution, but it was a way out, and i did it. The passport somehow showed up in Germany when I was in Paris. And my new friends, my amazing new people Anna, Yan, and Emily ( thank you all so much, if you are reading this ), took me back to Germany border from France. From there, I took a bus to Dusseldorf, a city where the passport was, and then a train to Frankfurt, sent the passport back to Vietnam, and then fly to fucking Moscow, and then took a train to St Petersburg. Me, 6 cities, 3 countries, in 24 hours, 500 Euros, to fix 1 stupid fucking mistake, but I did it. I was running, my faux fur jacket splits in half, luggage wheels broken, contact lenses falling out when I don't even know, but I did it. The moment I meet my husband in Moscow, it was all worth it.

Sometimes I just need to do my best, and then let go, right? I need to learn how to calm the fuck down










































Russia, as always, was amazing. Actually, everything is always amazing, i learned that too, life is still wonderful even if I can't see it. Lena taught me that. Lena is my better half. I wonder if she ever thinks that I taught her how dark can life be too? I hope not. I can be many things, but I never want to be the one who ruins the innocence , even if it can't never last

12.6.16

I used to dream of being normal

I used to desire a single second of being painfully average

I used to try my best to choke down those pills so I can be among the sheep

Until I met you

Until I love you

You told me you love me because I am the craziest

And now I rather lost my mind than losing you

10.6.16

It is very strange how the human mind works.
It is all about choices, all about compensation. It is what you rather, rather than what you would, should.
For example:
- I am terrified of people
- I am terrified of small space
-> I was in the house with 5 strangers, so I climb inside a tiny closet in order to be alone. The fear of people was simply 5 times more than the fear of small space, so I compensate.

Once, a long time ago, I read a story about bravery. It was about a father, who was terrified of bees, and his son. They walked into a forest together one day, and the son kicked a hornet's nest, and the father screamed out "run", with no struggle in his voice. He stayed, so that the hornet stung him instead of his son. He returned home with wounds very late that night, and when his son told him he forgot something important in the forest and wants to come back to retrieve it, he said " I would never go into that place again, not because I am in pain, but because I am terrified of bees, please ask your mother to come with you".

The little boy didn't understand why he wasn't scared before, but he is now, and his mother explained: "Because when your father think the hornet will attack you, he sees that the decision has been made, so he need not to be scared, but now he can say no. Your father is not a brave man. True bravery is when you see that you have a choice, and you choose the option that is least comfortable, but more beneficial."

Some may say this is a sweet sweet story of love, but I see it as a great story of getting out of your comfort zone.

3 years back, when I just started out blogging, traveling, there have been many times when I got complimented on my "bravery". They said " I don't know if I can do the same thing as you, 15, moving alone to a whole new country, wait tables while starting your own business, travel the world alone and things like that". I said, if you are me you would.

I have never made that choice. I have never wake up one day and think that I want to be great, I want to be an amazing person, I have never seen any possibility or responsibility in being the best person I can be. I simply just be. I was so broke, I need to work. I suck at working for other people, so I needed to make my own. I hate where I live, so I need to run away. It was the only logical decision for me at that point of time, therefore it was no bravery, it was simply a must.

Choices are everything. No human are made solely a loser or a winner, we are made choosers. Ironically, when you feel like you have no choice, you also lost your will to live - live, and simply breathing - walking.

Choices, sometimes are bad, sometimes are good, not because you choose them to be that way, but because the options revealed are just all bad options or all good options. You need to make the best out of it. But still, a half cup full still can be a half cup full of shits.

Because of this, choices are also deception. If i ask you that you want a cup full of shits or a cup full of piss, you think you have a choice, but yeah, you get what I mean.

Think of the big picture. In life, sometimes, you don't get the option to have options, you need to compensate your abilities in making decisions, but never forget, you have countless possibilities.

Think of the cup of shits. Choose it. Ask yourself what do you want to do with it. Make it into something. Throw it into someone's face. Flush it down the toilet. Grow some potato or some shit. You get what I mean? Everyone is terrified because they only see the bad parts after chapter 1, when the true true true happy ending is at chapter 111.

It is not wrong to want to be comfortable, or be as comfortable as possible. I climb into closets to hide away from people, I understand that deeply. But you will have to get out sometimes. Take a break, take a deep breath, you have every right to do it, but also remember to throw the cup of shits away.

I think of myself as a complete loser. I see myself in the fullest compare to anyone else, therefore it must be true, right? To my logical sense it is. I wasn't born extra special, I wasn't extraordinary pretty or talented in anyway, I tried and tried, and I trick people into thinking I was something because they only see the results and not the process of what the fuck is really going on.

But still, even if I don't have the choice to be a winner, I do however have the options to kill every fucking winners in this world and be my own last man standing.

Think of the big picture, even if you are sitting in a closet.

Above all pain, above all fears, there is you. You, I, We, are bigger than a part of us. Bigger than the demons creeping in our mind. We didn't choose for the demons to be here, and it feel wrong sometimes killing the demons when it is a part of us, but yeah, sometime all choices are painful. You, I, We, just have to be brave to make the decision that is least comfortable, and more beneficial.

In the big picture, we always have a choice. In the full story, there is always a happy ending.