4.3.17

I have always been alright on my own. Yes drug addiction, yes alcoholism,yes eating disorder, yes everything horrible and terrible, yes to all kind of depression and anxiety medication that i always abused the fuck out of.

I always get to sometimes in my life when I almost died naked face down in the toilet choked while trying to puke out a piece of pizza and I always get myself up the day after.

I have lost everything so many times, money, friends and myself

I was always alright though. I am strong. I want to die, but not yet, there is always this tiny string of something that I said once I am done, I am done, but I always care for something else right after, and like that, I live days through days. I don’t want anything in life, I am just here because I am.

Until I met you. 

I know everyone said don’t fall too hard for love. But they don’t know us. We were one. I’m always the one who think and not feel, I always know who I am and what I need to do. Until you. I dissolve myself into you, so happily.

I still do the same thing, but it is now because I want you to smile. I still work hard, but it was for making our family comfortable.I still fight every day, because you are now my medications, you are the reason I’m alive.

But too bad, you gave me sugar pills. All i get was placebo.

I was so happy so fucking happy so fucking happy. I used to write that I don’t know when was the last time I feel happy. Then I wrote a book about how our love has saved me forever.

I keep asking you all the time, all day everyday, “do you love me”. You often get annoyed. “yes, i know i asked 5 minutes ago but things changed and 5 minutes later you might not love me anymore”

I know I am a handful. I know it’s so hard for you too, finding your wife losing teeth and passing out from meth. Hearing me cry every day. But you was always there holding my bleeding arms and I know pain is just pain, I have your love, I will be fine.

I don’t know why I am still breathing. May be I am as tired for my love of death as you are tired of loving me. I shall live until I am not anymore, remember the day I lost everything again, but not just everything, you, my one true everything.

When did your love for me stop?

I wish I knew. I wish when I asked you every 5 minutes if you still love me, you actually said "I used to, but I don't anymore"

I would have been easier. If you were happy with someone else, I will be happy too, I will be taking off, watching you from far far away and keep on living.

But now I just keep on wondering if anything of it was real at all.

I am delusive. I woke you up in the middle of the night with a psychosis episode, screaming that there are rats everywhere. You were my truth. You tell me what is real and what isn't. You tell me our love is real.

Now I am gone. What am I going to do now? I get so used to wake up screaming in the middle of the night from night terrors, you were right there. What if you weren't? What if everything is always still "in my own head"

This is not even me with my usual crazies. This is something so new, so foreign, so far away. Like you. 


iIneed to to this publicly now, because i will need to sooner or later and i rather do it now when i am still so numb and i can't feel shits.

So I left my husband. I just packed up my things and leave

We were so fucking in love. We were always the "perfect couple". We meet, love, and get married within 7 days. We were the talk of the town for our perfect love. We were so so so so fucking happy. He made me believe everything was right, that I truly do deserve love. I wrote a book about our love that saves me. I am no longer alone. I love our little family with our five cats. It was us against the world, nothing have ever gone wrong. Everyone around,my friends who was so stoked, the media, so many newspaper interview praising and admiring us so much,my social media followers aspired to be us...

But still, all things aside, all beyond life and reasons,  I just know, for me, that was it. He was my last chance. I was thinking "Fuck, if i can't get better with something this good, I never will". He was my life support, my medications, keeping me alive and sane and I just want to be the best of the best of the best for him. So much hopes, so much dreams, I can't even handle it all. He was "it". I have found "it". The reason for me to and for everything.

I felt alive, for the first time since forever

And yet, 
exactly a year later, today, exactly on our one year wedding anniversary, I found out he is spending it with another girl in his arm.

I am not even fucking sad or fucking mad, while i know i should be. I am just empty. I just don't know how to fucking feel. He changed me forever with our love, our one true love, and now i am nothing again. I sold my house, moved to another city, said good bye to my friends, given everything up because he wants to stay away from my town to learn and to grow, and i have never regretted once. Little did I know, he was talking to someone else, he was telling her he wants her to stay at our home. She said she would love to take care of my cats. He said she is so pretty with short hair, he likes her so much. He like her height, so small and cute. He wants her to send him some more late night selfies.

I couldn't believe it. This must be wrong: These messages; may be it was someone else used his phone. May be it was a prank. May be i am having a psychosis episode and everything is just crazy in my head. This is US. We are fucking in love. right??? right??? My one true love, my destiny. My husband. My everything.

But no. That's it.
True love does exists, just make sure that he loves you back. He might just be a fucking good actor.
So i am now wandering on the street again. Homeless. I have given up everything for him, and he has given me up. I have nothing.
Please don't talk about us anymore, us doesn't exist anymore. I don't exist anymore

Sorry i didn't stay to say good bye. I know if you even slightly start to apologize, I will take you back in my arms in a second, and I can't never leave. I can't do it.

I hope you love her like i love you. I hope she melts when she look into your hazel brown eye under the sun. I hope you hold her tight, life her up and tell her it's going to be alright, like I always loved you to do. Please kiss her before you going out, like we did this morning for the last time. Please make her your last. I hope you made her the same promises you made me and you keep it. Please take care of our babies cat. 

what is reality?










Rings from Bless You My Dear www.blessyoumydear.com