Bali 16-28 Jan 2016

This trip to Bali with Lena, was very, very different
It was different with the first time we met, it was different with the time i went to St.Peterburgs to see her. The 10 days we had in Bali, it feels like a year

You know how we says that living together changes everything? So true, truer than what i would like truth to be. 

This trip to Bali, I left Ha Noi in a mess and as a mess. I loaned money to leave, I was broke till my last cents, shit loads of things didn't go anywhere near fine. I carried a baggage way too heavy, and finally our language barrier caught up to us. We try and try, and for the better or worse, we know each other beyond the goodness greatness and bonded us before.

I know we are so alike it is kinda terrifying. But now I also know that there still will be things that I can't never tell her even if we don't have to use google translate.

Bali was amazing, and Lena thrives on all things. Photos, videos, here and there. As usual everyone loves her, and even that we started out on a bad plan, we managed. This trip is like a roller coaster ride, if what we had before was our "honeymoon phase" , this is the definition of marriage. Housing issue, money issue, misunderstandings and making up and still fall asleep in the same bed every night. 

Lena used to see me like how I see her: something so far yet so near. Very similar, oh so different.

This time, Lena saw me manic. Lena saw me depressed. Lena saw me high. Lena saw me angry, and pissed off, and being a piece of shit I am. Lena saw me try, Lena saw me cry, Lena smelled me full of pukes, Lena brings a cup of water to me and kiss my forehead.

I am back in Hanoi now, and it is soon to be new year. This will be my first ever Vietnam New Year to be all alone in Hanoi. I am terrified of the holidays, I understand why the suicide rate are much higher on these occasions.

Vietnam new year is the ultimate family "thing", you have to go see every single siblings alive, you have to hear all the damn fucking songs about how precious your parent is, you know how it goes, bla bla bla. I was supposed to go to Cali to be with my sister on New Years Eve, but I spent everything on this Bali trip, I have about $20 left to survive this month.

 I usually ran away, far far away from this kind of thing, either working or partying or traveling, stuffing my self with food and dates so I don't have to remember how ultimately alone I am. Finally, I had to face it this year. I don't know who to talk to about this kind of thing, because the only thing that is worse than being alone is spending times with people who literally just be with you because they pity you. So much insecurity, so much self doubt, so much fear. I know, I know, I do have people who cares about me, but I can't never ever figure out are they just tolerancing me or not. I need a break from my anxiety,  I need a 101 book on "How to not feel like a piece of shits when other people are just trying to take care of you".


Love Is In The Air

fucking poisonous love. wear a toxic gas mask loves, don't get infected

Apparel K cut out jacket: http://apparelk.bigcartel.com/


This life time in general for me, is a bad trip with a meaningless ending - but the holiday time is the absolutely my very own personal hell at its peak.

It's not like I have a 9-5 job, so everyday I just work from home, which is kind of a C-E-O honeymoon kinda experience where I need to be by my phone 24/7 and I could be having a panic attack about going bankrupt at the same time I could be having a glass of Mudslide while skinny dipping. However, when it is a normal day, everyone was too busy focusing on their overly committed life, no one bats an eye on me with my wrong, so wrong, horrible terrible lifestyle. Now when they are off and they are together and they once got tired of chasing each other's tails, I am the current central of attention.

It is amazing how they can pay so much attention on you, yet give no shit to how you actually are.

I despite the feeling of waking up in the shitty area I live in, hearing my neighbors scolding their children for not looking nice enough for the guest that are visiting them. I despite seeing everyone trying to decorate their living cave with pink flowers just for the show, while the rest of the year the whole area stinks of judgement. The absolute worst is when the bad trying so hard to be not so bad.

But yet again, it could just be me being bitter as fuck for having another year realizing it only could get worse. 

Today is exactly a year of me moving out of Singapore. I told myself when I moved out that I would leave after 2 months, then 3 months, then 6 months, then double that. I don't know why I could not leave. I used to be a person who have no fears and only go after what I want, but now that seems to be so useless since I have no "wants" anymore.

Getting out of the house is tough enough without all the people trying to throw their affection for each other at your face. Only if I have a dollar every time someone ask me while am I eating/walking/sitting/breathing alone, where is my family and friends at, I probably would have enough money for me to buy a life time supply of fake cares.

Why do you give yourself a right to pity down on me at a certain time of the year when you never bat an eye for the other eleven months? Days, Months, Years, no one is there, no one stay, and if you don't stick around don't talk around. Everyone said to be yourself, you are unique, you are beautiful, then why the fuck am I so alone? Not one, not even one fucking person to be around with. I know you guys are tired of my craps, I am sorry, even myself is very tired of my own monologues. Existential crisis are expanding out of my head and into my walls, where it keep bouncing back louder and louder and I want to scream because this silent is too damn loud. 

Today makes me understand why suicide rates are much higher in holiday seasons.