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On feeling 0 - 100

My feelings always try to balance itself out, and it always succeeded. Like most of the stories I keep hearing from time to time: it always a bad time, not a bad life - things always get better - it is not the worst - bla bla bla, i am convinced most people who try to convince me that feelings are not extreme, that i am always overreacting, never truly get how it feels like to feel at all.

Sure, it's true, you got some down days and it will be up sometimes sooner or later. But you are talking about the weather, the environment, i am talking about the storm building up inside of me, forecasted to be the worse, the worst, and sometimes it is oh so true, but sometimes it just gone south and vanished into thin air.

I am talking about times in life when I am so bad nothing feels good, even things that I know its good. I am talking about times in life when I am so good, even things that is bad worse worst feels like a comforting drizzle rain of fall when I am inside cozy up in my safe warm fluffy blanket.

Nothing matters except for the way I feel. This, they said it sounds fucking selfish. But no no no, hell fucking no, how I feel is not who I am, my feelings are here and they are screaming for attention, they said "me me me" all the fucking time and they are so loud in my head I can't make them go away.

There used to be a time when I have a month of good and a month of bad. A month of 0 and a month of 100. Then there was a time when it used to be a week. Now, it counts by day and I feel like I am counting me down with hours.

A minute ago I was laughing hysterically at anything at all, the next moment I am sobbing at nothing at all.

Feeling kills. You don't get it, they never will.

They say I wear my heart on my sleeve, but the truth is my heart is wearing me out. Always the anxiety, oh what it's gonna be what it's gonna be. I never know, I will never do, only thing I reckon is that I can't run, I can't just try, I can't play hide and seek with my feelings.

Yeah it will be better, sometimes it will be worst. It is not that it is getting better or it is getting worse that bothers me, it no longer do, I do understand now, my feelings always try to balance itself out. It's the speed, it's the unpredictability that enables me in a forever raging mode, I can't function anymore because I can't, because I'm fucking selfish and only care about my feeling.

Eating is hard, sleeping is harder, breathing is the fucking hardest.

Life is may be getting better, I am surely getting worst.